Tuesday, January 29, 2008


It's amazing how much dimension a person can have, and you can never know about. I've learned some things about people I never would have guessed about them, ever. It made me think about the things about myself that nobody would be able to guess, unless I told them. Is everybody like that? I'm sure they are. It's all too easy to write off somebody as being just another wannabe gangster or some nerd. There's so much more to (most) people than we really think about. But then again, there are some people who are flat, with not much depth to them. But even still... you can never describe somebody easily. Even the dullest people I have met aren't as shallow as I initially thought they were. It's surprising when people prove you wrong in that aspect. Everybody has hidden motives and thoughts, as paranoid as that sounds. The best part is when they're willing to open up and share those thoughts. It shows so much trust. Trust that the confidante will not judge you for who you are, how you think, or what you've experienced. I hope I can find more people like that.

Somehow, whenever I reflect on anything having to do with my social life, it leads to thoughts about college. I'm still scared I won't have anything in common with anybody. I'm pretty sure I want to quit band after high school. It's been a great four years, but I want to try different things. However, band has been, without a doubt, the reason I have the friends I do today. It's an instant common interest with people that leads to conversations, which leads to friendships, which lead to happiness. If I give that up, what else will I have in common with people? It'll be much harder for me to find people like me. Come to think about it, I never had to try to find people like me. Bandos were just always there.

I'm all to familiar with the difficulties of not having much in common with a group of people. In a certain club... I just don't have the same interests with the majority of the people involved. I'm not blaming anybody. If it's anybody's fault, it's mine for sticking around for so long. But I'm a person who finishes what they start. It was fine in the beginning, but once certain people left, I was left alone. It's ok though, everything's working out fine. I'm just not really into it. I'd rather just stay where I'm at for the rest of the year than try to change anything, especially since I only have around seven months left in San Diego.

I can already feel some of my connections breaking off. It's like a prelude of something horrible to come. The closeness just isn't there anymore. But then again, the connections that do remain strong are the ones worth cherishing, right? The ones that don't... well, they were nice while they lasted, at least. I wonder if anybody else is as nervous/excited/anxious about living somewhere else as I am. I'm looking for a fresh start, but I still worry about leaving everybody back in San Diego. Obviously everybody makes new friends and moves on, and everything's alright. But still, the thought of not being as close with the people I am with now disturbs me. Anyways, it's better to live in the now. Enjoy my time here while it lasts, and when it's time to move on, that's what I'll do.

I will be pissed if I get my acceptance/rejection letters on March 31.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


1984 by George Orwell is changing my life. It reaffirms what I knew to be true... that I'm at most, I'm a moderate liberal haha. This book makes socialism seem like the devil's work. I'm all for equality, but the society Orwell describes takes it way too far... The scariest part is that some societies are becoming more and more like the society he described. Socialism and communism sound great on paper, I'm not going to lie. Everybody's equal, nobody has more wealth than another, blah blah blah, everybody's happy. But in reality, I don't think that would ever work. Nature is not built around equality. All social animals have social hierarchies, pecking orders, etc. That's how nature works. Humans will never be able to achieve true communism because everybody wants to be better, to have an advantage over others, at the core. Sure, we're taught that we shouldn't want that, and that it's better to be equal. I believe in that. But that doesn't change the fact that our basic instinct tells us to look out for number one. Sad, but true.

But that's enough of the Hobbes stuff. I like Locke better. Although there's inherent "evil", if you want to call it that, in basic instincts, there's also inherent good. Always. Nobody can possibly be born evil... I really think Locke was on the right track when he talked about the tabula rasa. If you look at your own life and back on your childhood, you can probably make some pretty good connections about why you turned out the way you have, so far. Sometimes I'll just be thinking about random memories from my childhood and remember something significant that I had long forgotten, and suddenly it will make perfect sense to me how it impacted my life and how it made me who I am today. Wow, that was cheesy. Well whatever, it's true. I do have revalations like that.

My favorite quote from 1984 (so far) is this one: "If you loved someone, you loved him, and when you had nothing else to give, you still gave him love," (Orwell, 164). Wow, what is this, a junior paper? Whatever. Anyways, that quote really touched me. That's what I love about this book, it makes you think. You don't have to necessarily agree with what's happening in the book or with the points that Orwell makes, because I certainly don't agree with everything he writes. But it makes me think about the issues he points out, at least. He was talking there about a mother holding her dying daughter. The daughter had just been robbed of a little bit of chocolate by her brother, and the mother was pretty much powerless to stop it. She had nothing left to give to her daughter because of the conditions imposed upon their family by the events in the world, so the only thing she could do was hold her. Orwell started talking about how the gesture was seemingly useless, as it didn't solve any of their problems, but it was the only thing left the mother could give to her daughter. What a tear jerker.

Sooooo. New Year's. What a lame holiday. It's just a mathematical novelty. But whatever, a break is a break. I'm ready for this break to be over though. Let's see... back to school in 5 days. Whoever's reading this probably thinks I'm a total nerd for saying this, but I really want to get back to school. I just realized over this break that I'll find out which college I'm going to within 3 months, and within 6 months I will have completed high school. Your high school years are supposed to be the best years of your life, and so far they have been for me. By far. I only have a couple months left. I don't want to spend them at home by myself, just lazing around. I want to spend them surrounded by the people that, in reality, I will lose touch with once school ends. It's a sad that, and we can all talk about how nothing will change and we'll still remain as close as ever, blah blah blah. It won't happen though. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being real. But as sad as that sounds, it only makes the remaining time I have left in San Diego all the more precious. You really don't understand it until you're a senior, looking at a calendar. In fact, you really don't understand how anything feels until you've experienced it yourself. Empathy, though it's nice, is completely powerless when compared to sympathy. Here's to my last semester (in 2 weeks) of high school. Ever. Let's make it something to remember, yeah?