Monday, December 24, 2007

One Fine Wire

I'm learning this on guitar. I think it relates to how I feel...

I try so many times
But it's not taking me
And it seems so long ago
That I used to believe
And I'm so lost inside of my head
And crazy
But I can't get out of it
I'm just stumbling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fear's on fire
But I'm listening as it evolved in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But it's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slow unraveling

Life plays such silly games inside of me
And I've felt some distant cries, following
And their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolved in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But it's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slow unraveling

And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire (x4)

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire....

Ugh. I don't even know what I want anymore. College, get here already. I need to get away. And yet, I don't want to leave...

Sunday, December 23, 2007

I'm not emo, I swear.

I have a lot of things I need to say, but I don't know if I can say them all. I probably can't.

I'm loving life right now. Everything's going great... well, most everything at least. The next two weeks still intimidate me. I hope I take advantage of this break and do everything I need to do, while still relaxing and being around people more than anything. Some separations are almost unbearable though.

I had a lot of fun at the party yesterday, but there were some moments that disturbed me. For a single second every now and then, though I was surrounded by all sorts of cool people, I felt alone, and desolate. It's not because I was excluded or anything, because that was never the case. I just... I don't know. It's just not the same. Even among a large group of my friends, I felt like a stranger, like none of them made me happy. Though they do, don't get me wrong. It was just for a mere second... My thoughts also disturb me at times. Not in like an emo, I'm-going-to-sit-in-the-corner-and-cut-myself kind of way, but just... They contradict with the way I once felt about things.

I always thought that mushy gushy stuff was a bunch of fake crap. I'm starting to understand what makes people do it, though. How they say stupid things like "I'd leave everybody for you." There are times when I felt like I wanted to say that. That's one of the thoughts that disturbs me.

I love the way some people make me feel. I couldn't live without my friends. Sure I love my family, but I'm so different from them. I've always been. They usually agree on something and I don't. I've accepted it and I don't really care about not fitting in with them. I don't even think about it, really. I just live my own life. I guess I'm pretty independent. My parents don't know anything about what I do with my life. Sure they see the report cards and say "Good job" once every six weeks, but besides that... nothing. Actually, that's just my mom. I stopped showing my dad anything because it wasn't even worth the effort of trying to get his attention. I showed my mom the newspaper clipping of my F.A.C.E. thingie in the Corridor News the other day. "You're the president of the badminton club?" she asked. Of course I am. I only told her that the day I got the position. It makes me depressed sometimes how good they have it and they don't even know it. I'm not going to lie. If I wanted to, I could totally just take alcohol from the fridge and chug it, go buy cigarettes and smoke them, do drugs, whatever. And they wouldn't know. Don't be scared if you're reading this, I don't have any intention of doing those things. Ever. But if I wanted to, I could, and they wouldn't even know because they're so out of touch with me. I feel underappreciated by them... I don't want to brag, but I think I've done a good job academically. They don't even recognize it though. It's just ho-hum to them. They don't realize that lots of parents wish their kids had success, and that they don't have to wish for it or help their kid achieve it. They just have to enjoy. But they can't even do that... I hate how some people automatically attribute my success to my parents' parenting skills. It's all me. I don't want to brag... but it's true. They don't do anything. They never motivated me to work hard or anything. I did it myself. You know, maybe that's why I do it. For some reason I can still remember the first time I impressed my class with something I knew, it was in 1st grade. I think that's when I learned that if I could do well in school, I could actually get attention. How pathetic this revalation sounds right now. At least I don't do it for attention anymore. I actually shy away from the attention... it makes me uncomfortable at times.

Back to non-depressing subjects. Like I was saying, I love my friends. I love the way they make me feel like I'm important. Sometimes I get bouts of paranoia and think that they really don't like me or appreciate me as much as I like them. I've been on the opposite end of that situation where I was nice to somebody I totally did not want to be around just because I don't have enough cruelty in me to tell them how I feel. That's another thought that scares me. Do I have people like that whom I call friends? I certainly hope not. I don't know.

I've always thought that people who said "I'm confused about how I feel" were totally retarded. How could you not know how you feel? You're sad, you're angry, you're happy. What else is there to emotions? But now I'm realizing that it really is possible to be confused. I'm confused. I don't know how I feel about certain people. I mean, I like them. That's for sure. But... how much? I can't find a definitive answer either way, and not only does it frustrate me, but it makes me uncomfortable. At the same time, it excites me... Some people just light me up with a mix of emotions that I can't describe. Like a very confused candle.

This blog is starting to sound gay. I call no homo on the whole thing, right now. Haha. Wait, why should I have to? Who cares what it sounds like. To me, it just sounds like the truth. Why is it that when a guy talks about how he feels, the usual reaction is "omg he's showing emotions, he's gay!" I probably got that notion from my dad. The navy totally messed up his emotions. I'm glad I will not turn out to be a robot like he is. Any showing of emotion is a sign of weakness to him. Maybe that's true in the navy, but what are the chances of me ever being involved with any kind of military service? Basically none. I'd never do it, not after what it did to him. Not that I know what he was like before... but I imagine people can't be like that normally, so scared of showing how they feel. Except for anger. He has no problem showing that. He lets me hear about it all the time. How stupid I am. How I can't do anything right. How my test scores aren't high enough, how I'm not good enough. Well, I'm not the one who drives a bus for a living. I'm actually going to do something with my life. I will not end up like him. He's not good enough.

I wonder if the people who read this knew all of this about me. Maybe they did, but not so in depth. Well, here's your insider scoop on Justin Pagador. I didn't intend this blog to be so long, but I've got the juices flowing now. No sense in stopping them.

I'm really not looking forward to going two weeks without seeing certain people. Sometimes just the thought of it makes me feel like the world is over, even though I know it's not. It's just beginning. I just turned 18. And next year, my life will really start. I wonder where next year will find me. Will I get accepted to UCLA? Will I be rejected and settle for UCSB? I think I would be crushed if I had to do that. I know UCSB is a great school and everything, but it's very rare that my aspirations are not met. I try to make sure of that. Disappointment is one of the worst feelings in the world... It almost leads me to regret. But I try to live a life free of regret. That's even worse than disappointment.

I still can't get over how some people make me feel. Just being near them, hearing their voice, knowing they're close... Just lights me up, like I said earlier, like a confused candle. School sucks for once in my life, so sometimes they're the only reason I still have the will to go, other than keeping up my grades for scholarships/college acceptances and whatnot. I sound like a lovesick puppy. Oh well. Maybe I'll look back on this blog one day and laugh. Actually, I probably will. But for now... the candle's still burning.

Hmm. I was right. I can't say everything I want to say.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

i'm happy!

Today was a good day! Haven't had one of those in a while. I woke up around 7:30 because I have this inability to sleep for more than around 8 hours a night. So then around 10 I went to IHOP with the flutes. It's a nice change to not have to worry about getting to school on time and arranging rides for people after IHOP breakfasts, that's for sure. And we can take as long as we want to just talk about whatever...

Then afterwards it was off to errands then Jen's house for section stuff. Or more like it, I just looked at Jen's Europe pictures. It kind of makes me sad I didn't get to go, but that's ok. It's 100% my mom's fault I didn't go anyways. I had suggested we go to the Philippines over Christmas break, so that was the plan, and of course I couldn't go to Europe and then the Philippines all in one year. But then when the time came around to get serious about planning, she freaking decides that we need more time to spend in the Philippines, or more like she, my brother, and my sister need more time. Her excuse? "You have to stay for the winter concert." I told her it was canceled, but she didn't care. What. The. FUCK. So I was stuck at home pretty much by myself since I saw my dad for like 20 minutes a day. I had to cook all of my food or buy it, clean not just after myself but after everybody in the house, on top of all of my other responsibilities. And for the second time, since the year before they did the same thing to me when they went to Australia. I did my mom a favor when she got home and gave her another vacation: one all-expense paid guilt trip. All expenses paid by her, of course, in the form of a PS3 she didn't get me for Christmas that said she would. It feels even better now because I don't have the time to play it (yet), so it sits in the corner looking pretty. I'm sure what I just typed will make me sound like the brattiest ingrate ever, but if you were in my situation, you'd feel the same way. Two almost month-long vacations one year after another, while I'm stuck at home with my dad, whom I don't particularly like? Do the math. Supposedly I get to go to the Philippines when I'm a freshman in college, but we'll see about that. If it's true, I think a major makeup shopping spree is fair play.

Back to my awesome day... When I got home I napped. And this was a great nap, mind you. I usually wake up from my naps feeling totally disinterested in everything around me, but this nap actually made me happy when I woke up. And then I went to church, which I was actually looking forward to. I'm not going to lie, I think church is the longest and most boring hour ever. I don't ever feel mentally engaged when I'm there, unless it was for Confirmation. I wish every mass could be like a Confirmation class. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm pretty strong in my faith, but church is just like... boring. But not today, or at least I had a better attitude about going today.

And theeen I had Thai food for dinner. SPICY Thai food. Well actually I ordered my green curry medium... but it was really spicy. It cleared my sinuses, made me cry, and pretty much burned my mouth. Delicious. Spicy food always makes me happy. Well, spicy Asian food at least. I've read somewhere that eating curry releases endorphins too, which are those chemicals that make you happy. I guess I've had a lot of endorphins today? Sounds like I took drugs.

Now here I am... dreading to do my APEL project. That class is such a joke. A relaxing joke, though. I'm glad I have it first period because there's nothing mentally stimulating in that class anyways. Just a bunch of reading and "analysis" which is basically common sense stuff. Or "questions about the storyline" which could easily be answered by Sparknotes. But hey, it's AP credit and a GPA booster and whatnot. Works for me. Those kids in Brit Lit are working harder than I am anyways.

I'm excited for the Westview Tournament! I hope somebody records RB's and Poway's shows, I really want to see what they look like. Hopefully really cool, I want this year's competition to be as fierce as last year's. Let's hope everybody brings it...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Sunset has Begun...

Alright. So. Senior year. Yeah.

I don't really know how I feel about my last year at MC yet. On the upside, I know band will be as awesome as always, and better even than usual. But for the other aspects of my high school life, I'm not too sure. For one thing, I didn't think I would feel senioritis so early. It's not bad, I'm not procrastinating or anything, but I just think about not doing the things I should be doing more often. I gave up reading Hamlet and just Sparknote'd the rest of the play, which is perfectly fine because I understand it better than if I just read the book, and if I was a "good" boy and read the book and then read the Sparknotes... well it wouldn't make much difference, would it? So I took the shortcut. Shame on me. Oh well!

College apps are another thing I'm not looking forward to. I'm also squeezing in one more SAT subject test, just for kicks I guess. I was pretty disappointed with my Bio test since I thought I studied my ass off for it, and got a score lower than I expected... Ironic, since I went into the SAT reasoning test thinking I was going to get owned because I didn't study any of the material intensively, but I wound up getting an acceptable score. Hmm. Then my Math II test... ugh. What a nightmare. I hadn't seen any of the material since sophomore year because I took AP Calc last year, so I had major reviewing to do, which I actually did. Then on the morning of the test, my alarm failed to go off, and my whole family (all of whom were awake at the time) failed to find their common sense and let me sleep in the one time I didn't need to. I woke up with 10 minutes until the test started. I'm surprised I actually made it to school on time and didn't completely fail, although my score was still... not that great. So, now to the Literature test. Supposedly if you got an 800 on the language parts of the SAT reasoning test, it's still easy to get a 600 on the Lit test. Joy. But I test much better on Lit than on math, so we'll see how it goes.

I know some of the people who read this will be thinking "ugh here he goes, what does he have to worry about, the scores are good enough, blah blah blah..." In reality, I have all the right in the world to stress. UCLA is so incredibly competitive, and some people who I thought would get in last year didn't, so... yeah. I think my stress is justified.

I'm scared to write the actual essays for my apps too. I think I've given up on Stanford, so I'll just stick with applying to the UC system. My order? UCLA, Berkeley, Santa Barbara... and then I really don't know after that. I'll probably apply to UCI, UCSD, and whatever else just because I won't have to do an additional app for any of them, but if I have no other choice than to go to those schools, I will be very disappointed. Then there's all of those scholarship essays to worry about too... well not really, I would just blow them off, or at least all of the ones that have deadlines before college apps are due. I think it's probably more important to get into the college first, then worry about paying for it after, yeah?

Ok so the negative stuff is done. I think. Now on to the positive aspects of my life...

Band is amazing. I'm not even that intimidated by Torns anymore when he pwns me in Wind I. And I got nailed pretty bad the other day, too. But what do you expect? Piccolos were not meant to play in chorales... easily at least. Besides, I like playing technical passages much better than lyrical ones, at least on piccolo. Flutes are meant for the more lyrical lines, right? It's amazing how out of shape my concert flute can get before I suspect something to be wrong. I thought I just sucked when all of my notes kept cracking and I couldn't sustain high notes very well and my tone was as airy as Paris Hilton's head. I was partly right, but I just got it back from Ozzie's today and it plays SO much better. I wish I thought of taking it to the shop before my audition, just so Torns would know that I don't have that crappy tone. At least not all of the time. On the much more positive side, when I passed off the first part of the 3rd movement to Torns, he said "nice job, good articulation". HALLELUJAH. I think I may have gotten one compliment a year from Torns, so maybe my quota for this year is up, but I'm so glad I did something right in front of him for once.

Mkay so my negative thoughts aren't gone yet. But who cares, it's my blog and my rant so I can write about whatever! :p


APEL, AP Bio, and AP Calc AP >>>>>>>>>>>>>>. APEL, AP Physics.

AP Gov is ok. But I do not like my classes this year... Filipino is chill as always, I'm glad to have it because I need a period in the day to chill out and breathe. APEL is a joke, but at least it's an easy joke that gives me college credit (knock on wood). AP Physics is boring. If I hadn't switched tables, I would die. Katrina, Kevin, and Jin keep me sane in that class. On the up side, I FINALLY got an A on a quiz. Phew. It's pretty pathetic since I took AP Calc last year yet I make stupid misakes on similar material. But I can't say I'm trying terribly hard... because I'm not. Haha.

AP Gov is fun, but people in that class annoy me SO MUCH. Actually, the student composition in most of my classes pisses me off. A lot. I am so tired of some of them, a few in particular, that it's... ugh. I don't know what it is. I usually don't have this strong of aversion to people, and I'm all about giving people 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances. But some people just use them up within a day. LAKSDJFAKLSFJAWERKLJBKLJBELKGRJE. But I will not let them get to me...

Even though my graduation is still a long ways off, I keep thinking about leaving MC. On one hand, I really want to get off to college and experience a new start in a new city (hopefully) with a new independence. On the other hand, I don't want to leave all my friends. Realistically, I think I will lose touch with maybe 85% of them after the first year in college. I think that's normal. I know it's pretty much inevitable, but I don't want to face it. Hmm... but I should just live in the now for that aspect. Enjoy all of the friendships I have, so I'll have the memories to look back on after thost friendships have faded away. Kind of a morbid thought, but hey. No day but today.