Saturday, March 22, 2008

Rachel's Challenge

I accept it, so I'll be blogging more often. I already wrote down my goals, too.

I had a very disturbing thought the other day. I was thinking about asking some friends if they wanted to hang out, then I changed my mind. The reasoning behind it was that they're just temporary now, as I'll be having an (almost?) completely new circle of friends in a short while. Aaaahhhh. That's not right at all. I immediately dispelled that thought and went and hung out with them haha. That was the stupidest thought I've had in a very long time.

In happier news, OMG UCLA. I'm so excited! I've been researching things about it, like what life is like on campus, what events I'm supposed to go to, what things there are to do for fun... I'm really excited to see the beaches around the area. They look really nice! I'm not quite sure how far away they are from Ucla, but that's what public transportation is for, anyways. Too bad I can't bring my surfboard. Well, I guess I could, but it would end up being more trouble than it's worth. I've looked into the student organizations on campus, too. 600+? Geeeeeze. That's a lot of ways to meet new people! I'm going to be as social as possible when I get there. I don't know what it is, but I just like being around people. I love it. I can't stand being home alone. Even if they're strangers, I enjoy the company. Like the other day, I just went to Borders because I was bored and lonely. I didn't talk to any strangers or anything, but just being around other people and not isolated at home was very comforting.

That being said, I wonder if I'll miss San Diego? I've noticed that I really don't have separation issues and I deal with whatever "losses" come my way with relative ease. I know it may sound cold-hearted, but it really isn't. Like even though I don't see my sister very often, and it's actually been maybe 2 or 3 weeks since I've seen her last, I don't really mind it. I think it's the fact that I know I'll see her again soon that makes it alright. Likewise, I expect I'll carry that same attitude towards leaving San Diego. I don't know, I just adapt to new things easily I guess. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. At least I know I won't get all reminiscent and forlorn, at least not often. Life's about the here and now, anyways. Look back only when necessary.

I'm sooooo excited for all of the possibilities that the future holds for me. The near future, really. In 6 short months or so, I'll be starting the next chapter of my life. So much good can happen. There are so many things I can learn there, and I'm not just talking about academically. Aaahhh now I'm getting excited all over again! Ok well it's off to Yogurt World and then Brawlin afterwards for me...

Wednesday, March 5, 2008


After being with people nonstop for 5 days, I'm not used to being alone anymore. I hate it.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


So... Indianapolis has come and gone. While I was there, it seemed to stretch on forever. When I came home, it felt like I never left. I didn't expect it to be such a life changing experience, but it really has been, and not just for the nerdy bando reasons that it was created to be by Music For All and that really lame guest speaker.

It's so cheesy and cliche and I've said it a million times, but the trip made me realize how much precious little time I have left with my friends in high school. Sometimes I wish I was born a year later, not only so I could have another before college ,but because the majority of my really close friends are underclassmen and the thought of leaving them makes me panic. I want to beat myself up for taking 4 years to learn how to open up and just befriend people. I got really close with these guys on the trip who, I'm sorry to say, I previously wrote off as this or that in order to justify why I didn't need to be friends with them. How stupid that was! Another example how my oversimplification and judgment blinded me for so long. But not anymore... I have to focus on the positive. It's better to have loved and lost (soon enough anyways) than to never have loved at all, or at least that's what they say.

The trip also reminded me of who I am, how I've changed, and how band is the ultimate cause for that change. The years of being labeled as a fat, overachieving loser seem so far away, and I know it's because of band. It's funny how a common element, music, can just seem to melt away differences and bring totally different kinds of people together. I know I would not be the friendly person who enjoys life that I am now if it weren't for band. After being on the sidelines all of those years, I know now that that's not how I want to live my life, being ridiculed for who or what I am, or seeing the same thing happened to my friends. Which leads me to one of my favorite stories from the trip, which I told some of you I'd blog about since it's kind of long. Here goes...

So I was in PacSun (or Pacific Sunwear of Southern California as the posers in Indianapolis call it) with Matt, Kevin, Jeff, Andrea, Taylor, Lara, etc. Matt and I were standing in line to pay and these two girls, they looked about 20, got into line behind us. Matt left to go look at something else and when he came back I let him back in line. The two girls immediately started talking shit behind our backs, intentionally loud enough for us to hear. "OMG, those fucking faggots. Oops? Did I say faggot? Yeah, I did!" Stuff like that. "Don't you know that if you move out of line, you losing your fucking place?" You'd think girls their age wouldn't be so immature about such a trivial matter. After all, Matt was there in line before they were, and who established rule lines anways? I'll admit, leaving and coming back could be in the gray area for common courtesy, but I can honestly say that if it happened to me, it wouldn't upset me as much as it did the two girls.

Back to the story, they keep talking shit about us behind our backs. "OMG, if Clint were here, they'd be in trouble." Blah blah blah. So finally I got fed up of my friends and I getting trashed, so I turn around and say "Do you guys want to go ahead of us? Because instead of bitching about it behind our backs, you could have just told me if you had a problem." They stammered and looked at the ground and mumbled or whatever. If you're going to talk big, you should be able to back it up, right? "Oh, we weren't talking about you. We were saying it loud enough for him to hear..." they said. So I said, "I know you were talking about him, but if you have a problem you can just tell us. Just go ahead, ladies first." They went and paid then left. We paid then left.

I didn't do it to be a hero or anything, I just don't tolerate being treated that way anymore. I'm not going to lie though, all the props I got really made my day. People actually respected something I did? It's kind of a first for me. Which leads me to another realization: Acceptance is something I've always wanted in my life. I'm not saying I had been an outsider up until that point, because I was always accepted in band. But that incident and the recognition of it afterwards made me realize that yes, band gave me what I wanted, and I had failed to really notice it until then. Am I being too analytical? Maybe. My confrontation with those girls, though, truly was the boldest thing I had ever done. Usually I'd just sit down and take whatever crap people talk about me, because I'm a pretty nonconfrontational guy. Not anymore, I guess. Especially not when it comes to my friends.

Which, in this seeming stream of consciousness I have going on here, leads me to another point I have in my mind, a worry this time. Yes, the same one I've blogged about previously. Will I be able to find what I found in high school, but in college? Will it take me four years again to warm up to everybody and just be me? I'm determined to use my high school experience to avoid that. I know better now. I should be more confident in my social skills, but the doubt still bugs me. I'll never know until I try though. I have a feeling it will be much easier in college, though, since it's a fresh start in a new city where nobody will know me yet. But as I've said, I owe all of this self-improvement to band. Do I still need band to keep it going? That's another question to which I don't have the answer. Before Indianapolis, I was set on quitting band in college. Now, I'm not so sure. Band gave me so much. I like music and playing my instrument, but I don't necessarily love it. I don't want to spend the hours of rehearsal that I have for marching and Wind I. Maybe just concert band then? But the real getting to know people thing happens at marching band... But Robyn said nobody knows the girl on her floor who's in band. Maybe college marching band is taking it too far for me. We'll see, but for now I'm set on auditioning for concert band.

It's already March. As the days turn into weeks turn into months, the anxiety of leaving builds up. I'm not worried about leaving my family because as I've said before, I'm not that close with them and I'm ok with that. Besides, I'm guaranteed to see them on a regular basis no matter what. I'm not worried about leaving high school because the college atmosphere, at least where I applied, is supposedly much better. No, what I'm still worried about most is losing touch with my friends in San Diego. Now I realize that even the friends I have in my own class will lose touch with me, and probably it will be worse since it's not likely that I'll visit them where they will live. I will come back though, and make those exciting return visits. But still... you can never find two people who are exactly alike. The whole things of "Ew, you're friends with a junior/sophomore/freshman? You must be a loser!" holds no weight with me. Everybody's so different that there are the kinds of people you won't find in your year. It's as simple as that. Will I find people in college who will remind me of my friends back home? Do I want to find "replacements?" Nah, you can never replace a friend. I don't know... maybe it's just the uncertainty of it all that perturbs me. In the end I'll just have ot take what I have learned with me to college.

Speaking of college, it is March, and within 3-3.5 weeks, I'll know if I got accepted to my dream school of UCLA and my 2nd choice of UC Berkeley. Aaahh. I bought a really nice shirt (on sale) a while back to wear the day after I find out where I'm going. So if you see me wearing a new shirt and a really huge smile for no apparent reason one day, you'll know why.