Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I haven't been updating this as much as I should be, and maybe that's why my life has a fairly unsatisfactory sense around it.

Sitting. It's basically what I do during the day. This summer is so incredibly boring and long. I'm really jealous of all of my friends who are starting school within a week or so. Me? I have another month to rot in San Diego, doing nothing. Here's a typical day in my life. Wake up, the latest at 8:00 because of my freakishly punctual internal clock. Eat breakfast. Watch tv for an hour or so while I digest. Go to the gym for about 45 minutes. Come home, shower. Eat my post-workout snack. Sit in my room either watching movies or reading until lunch. Eat lunch. Watch tv/read/play video games until around 3ish. Eat afternoon snack. Nap/read/tv/video games until dinner. Dinner. Computer time is dispersed randomly throughout the day, by the way. But yeah, that's pretty much what I do unless I have plans with friends. I have to live like this for another freaking month... ugh! I wish I had a job. Not only do I want spending money, I just want a purpose. I'm not going all emo like aahhh life has no meaning, I just have nothing that needs to be done. Time flies not only when you're having fun, but when you're occupied. I'm not occupied. As interesting and riveting as watching Heroes is, I'd rather only have to watch one episode a day to entertain myself as opposed to several.

Speaking of Heroes, that show got me thinking a lot. It's been a while since a show really captivated me like that, and I was just thinking about why. Of course, the drama element is a big part of why because shows with struggling single mothers on the run from mobsters who happen to have a split personality, the other personality being a murdered sister from decades ago who have super strength and super evilness tend to catch people's attentions. But on the side, it's just the thought of being special, being different. I've always been different. I don't try to be, I just be, and that happens to be different. I remember growing up I was always different. Shy, fat, no guy friends, different in as many ways as possible from the norm. Thank God high school changed that. Actually high school didn't change that, it just made it more acceptable. Acceptable to me, in particular. I went from the mindset of "Oh my gosh I'm different and I have to hide it" to "Fuck it, being me makes me happy so that's what I'm going to do." It's worked out wonderfully, I must say. I do things my way, and that still happens to be different most of the time, but everything works out in the end. Variety is the spice of life, and God seems to have had that specific notion in mind when He made me.

I visited with friends during band camp today. I love them all to death and there's nothing that can change the happy memories I made with them or how I feel about them, but there's still that inherent wall that separates us now. We're not together all the time, we're not experiencing the same things at the same times anymore. I have to be filled in on their inside jokes and everytime we meet again I feel like it's always catch up time. But that's how it is, you know? That's how it's going to be. One of the best indicators of whether or not two people will become friends and stay friends is proximity and consistency. I don't have that anymore with my old friends, and you know what? It doesn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. Is this maturity? I guess I like it. I'm not thinking of replacing them, because that just can never happen, but I guess I find solace in the fact that I will be living with a whole new group of peers within... a month, really, and we'll be taking the proximity factor to a whole new level. Taking classes, watching tv, hanging out, studying, eating, exercising, talking... all of these things, with new people.

This brings me to another thought I've been having lately. In high school, band was always like my social security blanket. I could always make a new friend easily if they were also in band, because that was an instant connection, one that included a myriad of experiences we both went through. Now that I've decided that the band part of my life is pretty much over, who will I be? A bando, not anymore. A smart Asian? That describes half of the student body at UCLA. Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way. Going into high school, all of those superficial notions of cliques and exclusive groups of friends went away. For me, at least, they did. College must be just like that, but on a larger scale. Nobody knows anybody, really. Of course we have friends from high school, but the chances that we'll be living together or taking the same classes is slim. Of the six or so other MCHS alumni I know are going to UCLA, none of them are on my floor and I don't have classes with any of them. I'm not sad about that, I'm really grateful for the opportunity to be thrown outside my comfort zone. Everybody else will be forced out that way, too. This will be another chance to reinvent myself, as I have done so many times in the past. Actually, I don't like that phrasing. I don't reinvent myself, I just let myself be more true to... well, myself.

I think that's enough ranting, and maybe it's close enough to covering all of the times I didn't blog. Most of those times can be summed up in my typical day formula though, so whatevs. Peace out.

BTW, Enchanted is my new favorite movie! I wish I had the power t0 summon cute woodland creatures and make them do bitch work for me like clean the house...