I'm not emo, I swear.

I have a lot of things I need to say, but I don't know if I can say them all. I probably can't.

I'm loving life right now. Everything's going great... well, most everything at least. The next two weeks still intimidate me. I hope I take advantage of this break and do everything I need to do, while still relaxing and being around people more than anything. Some separations are almost unbearable though.

I had a lot of fun at the party yesterday, but there were some moments that disturbed me. For a single second every now and then, though I was surrounded by all sorts of cool people, I felt alone, and desolate. It's not because I was excluded or anything, because that was never the case. I just... I don't know. It's just not the same. Even among a large group of my friends, I felt like a stranger, like none of them made me happy. Though they do, don't get me wrong. It was just for a mere second... My thoughts also disturb me at times. Not in like an emo, I'm-going-to-sit-in-the-corner-and-cut-myself kind of way, but just... They contradict with the way I once felt about things.

I always thought that mushy gushy stuff was a bunch of fake crap. I'm starting to understand what makes people do it, though. How they say stupid things like "I'd leave everybody for you." There are times when I felt like I wanted to say that. That's one of the thoughts that disturbs me.

I love the way some people make me feel. I couldn't live without my friends. Sure I love my family, but I'm so different from them. I've always been. They usually agree on something and I don't. I've accepted it and I don't really care about not fitting in with them. I don't even think about it, really. I just live my own life. I guess I'm pretty independent. My parents don't know anything about what I do with my life. Sure they see the report cards and say "Good job" once every six weeks, but besides that... nothing. Actually, that's just my mom. I stopped showing my dad anything because it wasn't even worth the effort of trying to get his attention. I showed my mom the newspaper clipping of my F.A.C.E. thingie in the Corridor News the other day. "You're the president of the badminton club?" she asked. Of course I am. I only told her that the day I got the position. It makes me depressed sometimes how good they have it and they don't even know it. I'm not going to lie. If I wanted to, I could totally just take alcohol from the fridge and chug it, go buy cigarettes and smoke them, do drugs, whatever. And they wouldn't know. Don't be scared if you're reading this, I don't have any intention of doing those things. Ever. But if I wanted to, I could, and they wouldn't even know because they're so out of touch with me. I feel underappreciated by them... I don't want to brag, but I think I've done a good job academically. They don't even recognize it though. It's just ho-hum to them. They don't realize that lots of parents wish their kids had success, and that they don't have to wish for it or help their kid achieve it. They just have to enjoy. But they can't even do that... I hate how some people automatically attribute my success to my parents' parenting skills. It's all me. I don't want to brag... but it's true. They don't do anything. They never motivated me to work hard or anything. I did it myself. You know, maybe that's why I do it. For some reason I can still remember the first time I impressed my class with something I knew, it was in 1st grade. I think that's when I learned that if I could do well in school, I could actually get attention. How pathetic this revalation sounds right now. At least I don't do it for attention anymore. I actually shy away from the attention... it makes me uncomfortable at times.

Back to non-depressing subjects. Like I was saying, I love my friends. I love the way they make me feel like I'm important. Sometimes I get bouts of paranoia and think that they really don't like me or appreciate me as much as I like them. I've been on the opposite end of that situation where I was nice to somebody I totally did not want to be around just because I don't have enough cruelty in me to tell them how I feel. That's another thought that scares me. Do I have people like that whom I call friends? I certainly hope not. I don't know.

I've always thought that people who said "I'm confused about how I feel" were totally retarded. How could you not know how you feel? You're sad, you're angry, you're happy. What else is there to emotions? But now I'm realizing that it really is possible to be confused. I'm confused. I don't know how I feel about certain people. I mean, I like them. That's for sure. But... how much? I can't find a definitive answer either way, and not only does it frustrate me, but it makes me uncomfortable. At the same time, it excites me... Some people just light me up with a mix of emotions that I can't describe. Like a very confused candle.

This blog is starting to sound gay. I call no homo on the whole thing, right now. Haha. Wait, why should I have to? Who cares what it sounds like. To me, it just sounds like the truth. Why is it that when a guy talks about how he feels, the usual reaction is "omg he's showing emotions, he's gay!" I probably got that notion from my dad. The navy totally messed up his emotions. I'm glad I will not turn out to be a robot like he is. Any showing of emotion is a sign of weakness to him. Maybe that's true in the navy, but what are the chances of me ever being involved with any kind of military service? Basically none. I'd never do it, not after what it did to him. Not that I know what he was like before... but I imagine people can't be like that normally, so scared of showing how they feel. Except for anger. He has no problem showing that. He lets me hear about it all the time. How stupid I am. How I can't do anything right. How my test scores aren't high enough, how I'm not good enough. Well, I'm not the one who drives a bus for a living. I'm actually going to do something with my life. I will not end up like him. He's not good enough.

I wonder if the people who read this knew all of this about me. Maybe they did, but not so in depth. Well, here's your insider scoop on Justin Pagador. I didn't intend this blog to be so long, but I've got the juices flowing now. No sense in stopping them.

I'm really not looking forward to going two weeks without seeing certain people. Sometimes just the thought of it makes me feel like the world is over, even though I know it's not. It's just beginning. I just turned 18. And next year, my life will really start. I wonder where next year will find me. Will I get accepted to UCLA? Will I be rejected and settle for UCSB? I think I would be crushed if I had to do that. I know UCSB is a great school and everything, but it's very rare that my aspirations are not met. I try to make sure of that. Disappointment is one of the worst feelings in the world... It almost leads me to regret. But I try to live a life free of regret. That's even worse than disappointment.

I still can't get over how some people make me feel. Just being near them, hearing their voice, knowing they're close... Just lights me up, like I said earlier, like a confused candle. School sucks for once in my life, so sometimes they're the only reason I still have the will to go, other than keeping up my grades for scholarships/college acceptances and whatnot. I sound like a lovesick puppy. Oh well. Maybe I'll look back on this blog one day and laugh. Actually, I probably will. But for now... the candle's still burning.

Hmm. I was right. I can't say everything I want to say.