My dad is a fucking retard. He thinks he can take up all of my weekends to do stupid labor around the house to get it ready to sell by June. Yeah, that's going to happen. My weekends are for me, not for him to use me. I'll be sure to let him know how I feel when he feels my full resistance to anything he asks. He has the nerve to say he needs my two hands and smart brain between my ears. Oooh, that's a first. I'm smart to him. Only when he needs me to do shit for him.
I thought he really might have turned a new leaf as he said he would after Roxy died, but I see that's not happening. As I thought, it was too good to be true. I think I'm going to start buying Lotto tickets. If I win, I can buy my way out of this hellhole and out of his reach.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
The Test
This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I'll do it.
My heart will break, but my faith will remain intact, I know it.
Please pray for me. Please pray for her. Please pray for us.
My heart will break, but my faith will remain intact, I know it.
Please pray for me. Please pray for her. Please pray for us.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
An Early Start
Bad Justin. I've neglected this poor blog!
So a lot of new things have happened to me that I want to shaaaare with whoever is reading this. Which is probably nobody, but that's alright.
I turned over a new leaf, or at least completely turned over the leaf I was turning over but stopped halfway through? I got a became a member at 24 Hour Fitness and got a personal trainer. Her name is Devon Kidd. She's so funny! She's been a trainer for 25+ years, but she's new to the 24 here in PQ. When we were entering some info, I told her my area code is 92129. "Where's that?" she asked. "Uh, right here, actually!" She told me I looked athletic. I wonder if she was just buttering me up, but the gym already got my money, so maybe she was being genuine. But she also had a cold, so maybe the meds clouded her judgment haha.
I didn't really think about it, but working out at the gym is so much different than just running around the track at Mesa Verde by myself. I don't know anybody at the gym, not yet at least, but just knowing there's a lot of other people doing what I'm doing, or at leats similar, is comforting. I don't know why, but I always feel really safe when I'm with a lot of people, even if they're complete strangers. I like going on the elliptical machines and stationary bikes on the upper level because you can people watch while you exercise. It makes the time go so much faster!
I'm soooo excited for Ucla now! I went to College Honors Day this past Wednesday. Actually, my mom and I drove up on Tuesday because she wasn't sure how bad the traffic would be on Wednesday morning, and the event started at 8:45, so yeah. She didn't want to pay a lot of money for a hotel, so she got us a room in the Motel 6 in Hollywood, after saying that she didn't want to stay at the one near the airport. Turns out the one in Hollywood is ghetto as hell and the one by the airport was significantly nicer. Anyways, that was Tuesday night. Wednesday morning's drive through Westwood Village to Ucla was interesting. We drove by all the glitzy neighborhoods like Bel Air and Beverly Hills. All I could think about was the Weezer song's guitar solo. Wa wa wa wa wawa wa wa... wa wa wa waaa wa. We pretty much followed Sunset Boulevard for the longest time. It wasn't as glamorous as they portray it in the media. The Kodak Theater was really nice though! The area around it... not so much. The walkway with the stars on it wasn't that great either. We drove past an H&M and I wanted to go on the way back, but we didn't have time. Sorry Heather! I totally thought about it.
I didn't really learn anything new at College Honors Day. The same old stuff that's meant to convince people who haven't decided on a college yet that Ucla is the best. I already sent in my SIR so it was fairly pointless, but at least pleasant. I was there with Jessica and Kyle at least, so I wasn't alone and bored. Just bored. The food was really good, we got to eat in one of the cafeterias. I'm determined to have a freshman negative 15 than a freshman 15, so I made a mental note where the salad bar was haha. The campus tour after lunch was alright, stuff I already knew about. I just talked with Jessica and Kyle the whole time. The housing tour was at least informative. It reinforced my decision to choose the more social residence halls over the residential plazas, even though the halls are smaller. More opportunities to meet people, though! That's what I want most.
The drive home was not too exciting. We were supposed to meet my sister in Long Beach for dinner, but plans changed. We stopped by a Jack in the Box in some random place called El Segundo because we were starving. I told them no tomato on my chicken fajita pita. I bite into it, what do I taste? Tomato. They should call it El Suckgundo.
Hmmm and that was basically it for my Ucla adventure.
On Thursday I got my ears pierced at the mall. I went with Adrianne... she was freaking out more than I was though haha. It hurt much less than I thought it would. It was just like a pinch. Then we went to Katrina's house to hang out. I watched my first episode of The Office! I thought it was pretty funny, but I wasn't blown away or anything. I also played Rock Band for the first time with them. It was pretty fun, but I don't think I'd go crazy over it like a lot of other people do. I sucked at guitar. I sucked at drums. Singing wasn't too bad, but I only knew like two songs haha.
On Friday I touched pussies for 5 hours. Friends of Cats smelled. I only liked maybe 3 cats out of the 300 there. Enough said.
Saturday was the most epic cleaning I had ever done in my life. I went through everything in my room since my family's supposedly moving to Escondido or San Marcos in June. Ha! Yeah right. The most we'll get out of it is that we'll throw some of our junk away or donate it. My family's been thinking about moving for the past however many years. It's not going to happen. And if it does, then it will be to a house that's not as nice as it should be. But whatever, I'm moving out so it doesn't matter. But I seriously got rid of maybe half of the stuff in my room. I went through soooo much old schoolwork. I had stuff from 8th grade still. It took me all day to go through everything, rip my name off papers and recycle the rest of them, and whatnot. It was pretty fun actually. It was just me, my stuff, and iTunes.
Today I went to the gym again. I saw Ms. Talle working out and I totally wished I took AP Art History over AP Physics. Physics sucks balls. Then I got home and took a shower. When I was drying my hair, I forgot I had earrings and the towel caught the left one and it popped out. I freaked out at first because I thought I ripped it through my ear, but it wasn't anywhere near as serious as that. I tried to get it back in, but no luck. My mom got it through my ear backwards, but couldn't do it forwards haha. So I drove to North County Fair again, waited for somebody to open the thing, then got it re-pierced. I got a free earring out of it! Apparently the first one was semi-defective as the clutch wasn't as protected as it should be. Oh well. I'll just have to be more careful.
So here I am. I'm about to write my last paragraph or so for the gov community service thing. Then more Facebook! I'm meeting lots of new people from Ucla already. Kudos to whoever started the Ucla 2012 group. I feel more social already!
So a lot of new things have happened to me that I want to shaaaare with whoever is reading this. Which is probably nobody, but that's alright.
I turned over a new leaf, or at least completely turned over the leaf I was turning over but stopped halfway through? I got a became a member at 24 Hour Fitness and got a personal trainer. Her name is Devon Kidd. She's so funny! She's been a trainer for 25+ years, but she's new to the 24 here in PQ. When we were entering some info, I told her my area code is 92129. "Where's that?" she asked. "Uh, right here, actually!" She told me I looked athletic. I wonder if she was just buttering me up, but the gym already got my money, so maybe she was being genuine. But she also had a cold, so maybe the meds clouded her judgment haha.
I didn't really think about it, but working out at the gym is so much different than just running around the track at Mesa Verde by myself. I don't know anybody at the gym, not yet at least, but just knowing there's a lot of other people doing what I'm doing, or at leats similar, is comforting. I don't know why, but I always feel really safe when I'm with a lot of people, even if they're complete strangers. I like going on the elliptical machines and stationary bikes on the upper level because you can people watch while you exercise. It makes the time go so much faster!
I'm soooo excited for Ucla now! I went to College Honors Day this past Wednesday. Actually, my mom and I drove up on Tuesday because she wasn't sure how bad the traffic would be on Wednesday morning, and the event started at 8:45, so yeah. She didn't want to pay a lot of money for a hotel, so she got us a room in the Motel 6 in Hollywood, after saying that she didn't want to stay at the one near the airport. Turns out the one in Hollywood is ghetto as hell and the one by the airport was significantly nicer. Anyways, that was Tuesday night. Wednesday morning's drive through Westwood Village to Ucla was interesting. We drove by all the glitzy neighborhoods like Bel Air and Beverly Hills. All I could think about was the Weezer song's guitar solo. Wa wa wa wa wawa wa wa... wa wa wa waaa wa. We pretty much followed Sunset Boulevard for the longest time. It wasn't as glamorous as they portray it in the media. The Kodak Theater was really nice though! The area around it... not so much. The walkway with the stars on it wasn't that great either. We drove past an H&M and I wanted to go on the way back, but we didn't have time. Sorry Heather! I totally thought about it.
I didn't really learn anything new at College Honors Day. The same old stuff that's meant to convince people who haven't decided on a college yet that Ucla is the best. I already sent in my SIR so it was fairly pointless, but at least pleasant. I was there with Jessica and Kyle at least, so I wasn't alone and bored. Just bored. The food was really good, we got to eat in one of the cafeterias. I'm determined to have a freshman negative 15 than a freshman 15, so I made a mental note where the salad bar was haha. The campus tour after lunch was alright, stuff I already knew about. I just talked with Jessica and Kyle the whole time. The housing tour was at least informative. It reinforced my decision to choose the more social residence halls over the residential plazas, even though the halls are smaller. More opportunities to meet people, though! That's what I want most.
The drive home was not too exciting. We were supposed to meet my sister in Long Beach for dinner, but plans changed. We stopped by a Jack in the Box in some random place called El Segundo because we were starving. I told them no tomato on my chicken fajita pita. I bite into it, what do I taste? Tomato. They should call it El Suckgundo.
Hmmm and that was basically it for my Ucla adventure.
On Thursday I got my ears pierced at the mall. I went with Adrianne... she was freaking out more than I was though haha. It hurt much less than I thought it would. It was just like a pinch. Then we went to Katrina's house to hang out. I watched my first episode of The Office! I thought it was pretty funny, but I wasn't blown away or anything. I also played Rock Band for the first time with them. It was pretty fun, but I don't think I'd go crazy over it like a lot of other people do. I sucked at guitar. I sucked at drums. Singing wasn't too bad, but I only knew like two songs haha.
On Friday I touched pussies for 5 hours. Friends of Cats smelled. I only liked maybe 3 cats out of the 300 there. Enough said.
Saturday was the most epic cleaning I had ever done in my life. I went through everything in my room since my family's supposedly moving to Escondido or San Marcos in June. Ha! Yeah right. The most we'll get out of it is that we'll throw some of our junk away or donate it. My family's been thinking about moving for the past however many years. It's not going to happen. And if it does, then it will be to a house that's not as nice as it should be. But whatever, I'm moving out so it doesn't matter. But I seriously got rid of maybe half of the stuff in my room. I went through soooo much old schoolwork. I had stuff from 8th grade still. It took me all day to go through everything, rip my name off papers and recycle the rest of them, and whatnot. It was pretty fun actually. It was just me, my stuff, and iTunes.
Today I went to the gym again. I saw Ms. Talle working out and I totally wished I took AP Art History over AP Physics. Physics sucks balls. Then I got home and took a shower. When I was drying my hair, I forgot I had earrings and the towel caught the left one and it popped out. I freaked out at first because I thought I ripped it through my ear, but it wasn't anywhere near as serious as that. I tried to get it back in, but no luck. My mom got it through my ear backwards, but couldn't do it forwards haha. So I drove to North County Fair again, waited for somebody to open the thing, then got it re-pierced. I got a free earring out of it! Apparently the first one was semi-defective as the clutch wasn't as protected as it should be. Oh well. I'll just have to be more careful.
So here I am. I'm about to write my last paragraph or so for the gov community service thing. Then more Facebook! I'm meeting lots of new people from Ucla already. Kudos to whoever started the Ucla 2012 group. I feel more social already!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Rachel's Challenge
I accept it, so I'll be blogging more often. I already wrote down my goals, too.
I had a very disturbing thought the other day. I was thinking about asking some friends if they wanted to hang out, then I changed my mind. The reasoning behind it was that they're just temporary now, as I'll be having an (almost?) completely new circle of friends in a short while. Aaaahhhh. That's not right at all. I immediately dispelled that thought and went and hung out with them haha. That was the stupidest thought I've had in a very long time.
In happier news, OMG UCLA. I'm so excited! I've been researching things about it, like what life is like on campus, what events I'm supposed to go to, what things there are to do for fun... I'm really excited to see the beaches around the area. They look really nice! I'm not quite sure how far away they are from Ucla, but that's what public transportation is for, anyways. Too bad I can't bring my surfboard. Well, I guess I could, but it would end up being more trouble than it's worth. I've looked into the student organizations on campus, too. 600+? Geeeeeze. That's a lot of ways to meet new people! I'm going to be as social as possible when I get there. I don't know what it is, but I just like being around people. I love it. I can't stand being home alone. Even if they're strangers, I enjoy the company. Like the other day, I just went to Borders because I was bored and lonely. I didn't talk to any strangers or anything, but just being around other people and not isolated at home was very comforting.
That being said, I wonder if I'll miss San Diego? I've noticed that I really don't have separation issues and I deal with whatever "losses" come my way with relative ease. I know it may sound cold-hearted, but it really isn't. Like even though I don't see my sister very often, and it's actually been maybe 2 or 3 weeks since I've seen her last, I don't really mind it. I think it's the fact that I know I'll see her again soon that makes it alright. Likewise, I expect I'll carry that same attitude towards leaving San Diego. I don't know, I just adapt to new things easily I guess. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. At least I know I won't get all reminiscent and forlorn, at least not often. Life's about the here and now, anyways. Look back only when necessary.
I'm sooooo excited for all of the possibilities that the future holds for me. The near future, really. In 6 short months or so, I'll be starting the next chapter of my life. So much good can happen. There are so many things I can learn there, and I'm not just talking about academically. Aaahhh now I'm getting excited all over again! Ok well it's off to Yogurt World and then Brawlin afterwards for me...
I had a very disturbing thought the other day. I was thinking about asking some friends if they wanted to hang out, then I changed my mind. The reasoning behind it was that they're just temporary now, as I'll be having an (almost?) completely new circle of friends in a short while. Aaaahhhh. That's not right at all. I immediately dispelled that thought and went and hung out with them haha. That was the stupidest thought I've had in a very long time.
In happier news, OMG UCLA. I'm so excited! I've been researching things about it, like what life is like on campus, what events I'm supposed to go to, what things there are to do for fun... I'm really excited to see the beaches around the area. They look really nice! I'm not quite sure how far away they are from Ucla, but that's what public transportation is for, anyways. Too bad I can't bring my surfboard. Well, I guess I could, but it would end up being more trouble than it's worth. I've looked into the student organizations on campus, too. 600+? Geeeeeze. That's a lot of ways to meet new people! I'm going to be as social as possible when I get there. I don't know what it is, but I just like being around people. I love it. I can't stand being home alone. Even if they're strangers, I enjoy the company. Like the other day, I just went to Borders because I was bored and lonely. I didn't talk to any strangers or anything, but just being around other people and not isolated at home was very comforting.
That being said, I wonder if I'll miss San Diego? I've noticed that I really don't have separation issues and I deal with whatever "losses" come my way with relative ease. I know it may sound cold-hearted, but it really isn't. Like even though I don't see my sister very often, and it's actually been maybe 2 or 3 weeks since I've seen her last, I don't really mind it. I think it's the fact that I know I'll see her again soon that makes it alright. Likewise, I expect I'll carry that same attitude towards leaving San Diego. I don't know, I just adapt to new things easily I guess. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. At least I know I won't get all reminiscent and forlorn, at least not often. Life's about the here and now, anyways. Look back only when necessary.
I'm sooooo excited for all of the possibilities that the future holds for me. The near future, really. In 6 short months or so, I'll be starting the next chapter of my life. So much good can happen. There are so many things I can learn there, and I'm not just talking about academically. Aaahhh now I'm getting excited all over again! Ok well it's off to Yogurt World and then Brawlin afterwards for me...
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Indianapolis
So... Indianapolis has come and gone. While I was there, it seemed to stretch on forever. When I came home, it felt like I never left. I didn't expect it to be such a life changing experience, but it really has been, and not just for the nerdy bando reasons that it was created to be by Music For All and that really lame guest speaker.
It's so cheesy and cliche and I've said it a million times, but the trip made me realize how much precious little time I have left with my friends in high school. Sometimes I wish I was born a year later, not only so I could have another before college ,but because the majority of my really close friends are underclassmen and the thought of leaving them makes me panic. I want to beat myself up for taking 4 years to learn how to open up and just befriend people. I got really close with these guys on the trip who, I'm sorry to say, I previously wrote off as this or that in order to justify why I didn't need to be friends with them. How stupid that was! Another example how my oversimplification and judgment blinded me for so long. But not anymore... I have to focus on the positive. It's better to have loved and lost (soon enough anyways) than to never have loved at all, or at least that's what they say.
The trip also reminded me of who I am, how I've changed, and how band is the ultimate cause for that change. The years of being labeled as a fat, overachieving loser seem so far away, and I know it's because of band. It's funny how a common element, music, can just seem to melt away differences and bring totally different kinds of people together. I know I would not be the friendly person who enjoys life that I am now if it weren't for band. After being on the sidelines all of those years, I know now that that's not how I want to live my life, being ridiculed for who or what I am, or seeing the same thing happened to my friends. Which leads me to one of my favorite stories from the trip, which I told some of you I'd blog about since it's kind of long. Here goes...
So I was in PacSun (or Pacific Sunwear of Southern California as the posers in Indianapolis call it) with Matt, Kevin, Jeff, Andrea, Taylor, Lara, etc. Matt and I were standing in line to pay and these two girls, they looked about 20, got into line behind us. Matt left to go look at something else and when he came back I let him back in line. The two girls immediately started talking shit behind our backs, intentionally loud enough for us to hear. "OMG, those fucking faggots. Oops? Did I say faggot? Yeah, I did!" Stuff like that. "Don't you know that if you move out of line, you losing your fucking place?" You'd think girls their age wouldn't be so immature about such a trivial matter. After all, Matt was there in line before they were, and who established rule lines anways? I'll admit, leaving and coming back could be in the gray area for common courtesy, but I can honestly say that if it happened to me, it wouldn't upset me as much as it did the two girls.
Back to the story, they keep talking shit about us behind our backs. "OMG, if Clint were here, they'd be in trouble." Blah blah blah. So finally I got fed up of my friends and I getting trashed, so I turn around and say "Do you guys want to go ahead of us? Because instead of bitching about it behind our backs, you could have just told me if you had a problem." They stammered and looked at the ground and mumbled or whatever. If you're going to talk big, you should be able to back it up, right? "Oh, we weren't talking about you. We were saying it loud enough for him to hear..." they said. So I said, "I know you were talking about him, but if you have a problem you can just tell us. Just go ahead, ladies first." They went and paid then left. We paid then left.
I didn't do it to be a hero or anything, I just don't tolerate being treated that way anymore. I'm not going to lie though, all the props I got really made my day. People actually respected something I did? It's kind of a first for me. Which leads me to another realization: Acceptance is something I've always wanted in my life. I'm not saying I had been an outsider up until that point, because I was always accepted in band. But that incident and the recognition of it afterwards made me realize that yes, band gave me what I wanted, and I had failed to really notice it until then. Am I being too analytical? Maybe. My confrontation with those girls, though, truly was the boldest thing I had ever done. Usually I'd just sit down and take whatever crap people talk about me, because I'm a pretty nonconfrontational guy. Not anymore, I guess. Especially not when it comes to my friends.
Which, in this seeming stream of consciousness I have going on here, leads me to another point I have in my mind, a worry this time. Yes, the same one I've blogged about previously. Will I be able to find what I found in high school, but in college? Will it take me four years again to warm up to everybody and just be me? I'm determined to use my high school experience to avoid that. I know better now. I should be more confident in my social skills, but the doubt still bugs me. I'll never know until I try though. I have a feeling it will be much easier in college, though, since it's a fresh start in a new city where nobody will know me yet. But as I've said, I owe all of this self-improvement to band. Do I still need band to keep it going? That's another question to which I don't have the answer. Before Indianapolis, I was set on quitting band in college. Now, I'm not so sure. Band gave me so much. I like music and playing my instrument, but I don't necessarily love it. I don't want to spend the hours of rehearsal that I have for marching and Wind I. Maybe just concert band then? But the real getting to know people thing happens at marching band... But Robyn said nobody knows the girl on her floor who's in band. Maybe college marching band is taking it too far for me. We'll see, but for now I'm set on auditioning for concert band.
It's already March. As the days turn into weeks turn into months, the anxiety of leaving builds up. I'm not worried about leaving my family because as I've said before, I'm not that close with them and I'm ok with that. Besides, I'm guaranteed to see them on a regular basis no matter what. I'm not worried about leaving high school because the college atmosphere, at least where I applied, is supposedly much better. No, what I'm still worried about most is losing touch with my friends in San Diego. Now I realize that even the friends I have in my own class will lose touch with me, and probably it will be worse since it's not likely that I'll visit them where they will live. I will come back though, and make those exciting return visits. But still... you can never find two people who are exactly alike. The whole things of "Ew, you're friends with a junior/sophomore/freshman? You must be a loser!" holds no weight with me. Everybody's so different that there are the kinds of people you won't find in your year. It's as simple as that. Will I find people in college who will remind me of my friends back home? Do I want to find "replacements?" Nah, you can never replace a friend. I don't know... maybe it's just the uncertainty of it all that perturbs me. In the end I'll just have ot take what I have learned with me to college.
Speaking of college, it is March, and within 3-3.5 weeks, I'll know if I got accepted to my dream school of UCLA and my 2nd choice of UC Berkeley. Aaahh. I bought a really nice shirt (on sale) a while back to wear the day after I find out where I'm going. So if you see me wearing a new shirt and a really huge smile for no apparent reason one day, you'll know why.
:]
It's so cheesy and cliche and I've said it a million times, but the trip made me realize how much precious little time I have left with my friends in high school. Sometimes I wish I was born a year later, not only so I could have another before college ,but because the majority of my really close friends are underclassmen and the thought of leaving them makes me panic. I want to beat myself up for taking 4 years to learn how to open up and just befriend people. I got really close with these guys on the trip who, I'm sorry to say, I previously wrote off as this or that in order to justify why I didn't need to be friends with them. How stupid that was! Another example how my oversimplification and judgment blinded me for so long. But not anymore... I have to focus on the positive. It's better to have loved and lost (soon enough anyways) than to never have loved at all, or at least that's what they say.
The trip also reminded me of who I am, how I've changed, and how band is the ultimate cause for that change. The years of being labeled as a fat, overachieving loser seem so far away, and I know it's because of band. It's funny how a common element, music, can just seem to melt away differences and bring totally different kinds of people together. I know I would not be the friendly person who enjoys life that I am now if it weren't for band. After being on the sidelines all of those years, I know now that that's not how I want to live my life, being ridiculed for who or what I am, or seeing the same thing happened to my friends. Which leads me to one of my favorite stories from the trip, which I told some of you I'd blog about since it's kind of long. Here goes...
So I was in PacSun (or Pacific Sunwear of Southern California as the posers in Indianapolis call it) with Matt, Kevin, Jeff, Andrea, Taylor, Lara, etc. Matt and I were standing in line to pay and these two girls, they looked about 20, got into line behind us. Matt left to go look at something else and when he came back I let him back in line. The two girls immediately started talking shit behind our backs, intentionally loud enough for us to hear. "OMG, those fucking faggots. Oops? Did I say faggot? Yeah, I did!" Stuff like that. "Don't you know that if you move out of line, you losing your fucking place?" You'd think girls their age wouldn't be so immature about such a trivial matter. After all, Matt was there in line before they were, and who established rule lines anways? I'll admit, leaving and coming back could be in the gray area for common courtesy, but I can honestly say that if it happened to me, it wouldn't upset me as much as it did the two girls.
Back to the story, they keep talking shit about us behind our backs. "OMG, if Clint were here, they'd be in trouble." Blah blah blah. So finally I got fed up of my friends and I getting trashed, so I turn around and say "Do you guys want to go ahead of us? Because instead of bitching about it behind our backs, you could have just told me if you had a problem." They stammered and looked at the ground and mumbled or whatever. If you're going to talk big, you should be able to back it up, right? "Oh, we weren't talking about you. We were saying it loud enough for him to hear..." they said. So I said, "I know you were talking about him, but if you have a problem you can just tell us. Just go ahead, ladies first." They went and paid then left. We paid then left.
I didn't do it to be a hero or anything, I just don't tolerate being treated that way anymore. I'm not going to lie though, all the props I got really made my day. People actually respected something I did? It's kind of a first for me. Which leads me to another realization: Acceptance is something I've always wanted in my life. I'm not saying I had been an outsider up until that point, because I was always accepted in band. But that incident and the recognition of it afterwards made me realize that yes, band gave me what I wanted, and I had failed to really notice it until then. Am I being too analytical? Maybe. My confrontation with those girls, though, truly was the boldest thing I had ever done. Usually I'd just sit down and take whatever crap people talk about me, because I'm a pretty nonconfrontational guy. Not anymore, I guess. Especially not when it comes to my friends.
Which, in this seeming stream of consciousness I have going on here, leads me to another point I have in my mind, a worry this time. Yes, the same one I've blogged about previously. Will I be able to find what I found in high school, but in college? Will it take me four years again to warm up to everybody and just be me? I'm determined to use my high school experience to avoid that. I know better now. I should be more confident in my social skills, but the doubt still bugs me. I'll never know until I try though. I have a feeling it will be much easier in college, though, since it's a fresh start in a new city where nobody will know me yet. But as I've said, I owe all of this self-improvement to band. Do I still need band to keep it going? That's another question to which I don't have the answer. Before Indianapolis, I was set on quitting band in college. Now, I'm not so sure. Band gave me so much. I like music and playing my instrument, but I don't necessarily love it. I don't want to spend the hours of rehearsal that I have for marching and Wind I. Maybe just concert band then? But the real getting to know people thing happens at marching band... But Robyn said nobody knows the girl on her floor who's in band. Maybe college marching band is taking it too far for me. We'll see, but for now I'm set on auditioning for concert band.
It's already March. As the days turn into weeks turn into months, the anxiety of leaving builds up. I'm not worried about leaving my family because as I've said before, I'm not that close with them and I'm ok with that. Besides, I'm guaranteed to see them on a regular basis no matter what. I'm not worried about leaving high school because the college atmosphere, at least where I applied, is supposedly much better. No, what I'm still worried about most is losing touch with my friends in San Diego. Now I realize that even the friends I have in my own class will lose touch with me, and probably it will be worse since it's not likely that I'll visit them where they will live. I will come back though, and make those exciting return visits. But still... you can never find two people who are exactly alike. The whole things of "Ew, you're friends with a junior/sophomore/freshman? You must be a loser!" holds no weight with me. Everybody's so different that there are the kinds of people you won't find in your year. It's as simple as that. Will I find people in college who will remind me of my friends back home? Do I want to find "replacements?" Nah, you can never replace a friend. I don't know... maybe it's just the uncertainty of it all that perturbs me. In the end I'll just have ot take what I have learned with me to college.
Speaking of college, it is March, and within 3-3.5 weeks, I'll know if I got accepted to my dream school of UCLA and my 2nd choice of UC Berkeley. Aaahh. I bought a really nice shirt (on sale) a while back to wear the day after I find out where I'm going. So if you see me wearing a new shirt and a really huge smile for no apparent reason one day, you'll know why.
:]
Friday, February 8, 2008
Retreat
So Confirmation Retreat came and went. I'll be honest, I wasn't that excited for it before we left, although I tried to get the candidates excited about it. I just thought "Uuugghhh I have to give up my weekend for this? I have to do my homework early for this?" It ended up being a (big) blessing in disguise, however. I decided to do my homework for the next section in AP Physics early on Thursday since it was due on Monday and I wanted the Sunday afternoon to be peaceful and stress-free when I got back. It so happened that our quiz on Friday included material from the section I did early (why, I don't know, because Earnest's guide said it wasn't on that stuff), so I got lucky and was able to understand the problems on the quiz a little better. Still had to work through it, but definitely a blessing in disguise.
Confirmation retreat, once again, changed the way I look at life, especially the way I look at the people around me. It only reinforced my previous notions that people have much more to them than meets the eye. My group consisted of people I would never normally associate with outside of Confirmation classes, not because I don't want to, but because we just come from totally different worlds. A cheerleader, a wrestler, a football player, a guy with a hearing impairment, and another bando like me, as well as others... Who knew we could get so close? The instant common ground that religion can create between two or more people who otherwise have little in common astounds me. I feel like I got so close to these people, like some of the things they opened up and shared with me are things they've never told anybody else. I felt like a leader, like somebody who was worth looking up to. I think that's how they saw me, though the real me is pretty far from that. It's easy to assume that because I volunteer my times as a junior facilitator that I'm an ideal Catholic guy who goes to Mass every Sunday and who has no doubts in his faith. So not true. I hope they realize that I'm just like them, only a year or so older. There's really not that much different between us.
I also like how all of the people who went on retreat brought it back with them. Wearing the shirts, the necklaces, and saying "Hi!" to people I didn't even know I saw during the school day... It's just awesome. It kind of makes me regret being so shy for basically my whole life. Would I have been a happier person if I didn't have so many reservations about making new friends and being more outgoing? There's no use in regretting it now, though. There only possible solution is action, which I'm happy to say I've started to take. I force myself to talk to people I don't really know, and I have yet to be disappointed. I don't think there's any possible way to be disappointed, because the worst that could happen is that I find out that somebody is worse than I thought they were. And that's pretty rare, I think I have a pretty easy time seeing if somebody is generally good or not so good without having to know them too well.
I should ramble on while I'm on my caffeine high. I haven't had coffee in months, maybe a year, so it's working really well. I'll need it if I want to read Utopia tonight...
As March gets closer and closer, I'm getting even more excited about college. I honestly can't wait to start anew in a different city, wherever God wills me to go, and meet new people. I know exactly how a little bit of kindness can brighten somebody's day, no matter who it comes from. I think it's time that I return the favor because every good turn deserves another, right? Right.
I just realized that pharmacy, for now at least, really is the path I want to go down. During retreat, one of my friends in my small group wasn't feeling to great. Luckily I brought some Airborne with me and gave him some. I asked him how he was feeling later, and later again, and both times he said better than before. I know it's small, but that's basically what pharmacists do, right? Give people drugs (good ones) to make them feel better. It's sounds stupid, I know, but it really made me feel good about myself because I was able to help somebody when they needed it.
I really should start reading the second half of Utopia. I think I'm immune to senioritis. I decided yesterday not to read the first part though I knew it was due today, and I just used Sparknotes instead. During our discussion of the book this morning in class, what I learned from Sparknotes was more than sufficient for me to understand the main points of the novel and some of the underlying themes. But what's the first thing I do when I get home? Feel guilty and just read the first half anyways. Uuuuggghhh. I swear, academic "diligence" is a blessing and a curse. Guilt sucks. Alright that's enough rambling, I should go read before the caffeine goes away and I crash.
Confirmation retreat, once again, changed the way I look at life, especially the way I look at the people around me. It only reinforced my previous notions that people have much more to them than meets the eye. My group consisted of people I would never normally associate with outside of Confirmation classes, not because I don't want to, but because we just come from totally different worlds. A cheerleader, a wrestler, a football player, a guy with a hearing impairment, and another bando like me, as well as others... Who knew we could get so close? The instant common ground that religion can create between two or more people who otherwise have little in common astounds me. I feel like I got so close to these people, like some of the things they opened up and shared with me are things they've never told anybody else. I felt like a leader, like somebody who was worth looking up to. I think that's how they saw me, though the real me is pretty far from that. It's easy to assume that because I volunteer my times as a junior facilitator that I'm an ideal Catholic guy who goes to Mass every Sunday and who has no doubts in his faith. So not true. I hope they realize that I'm just like them, only a year or so older. There's really not that much different between us.
I also like how all of the people who went on retreat brought it back with them. Wearing the shirts, the necklaces, and saying "Hi!" to people I didn't even know I saw during the school day... It's just awesome. It kind of makes me regret being so shy for basically my whole life. Would I have been a happier person if I didn't have so many reservations about making new friends and being more outgoing? There's no use in regretting it now, though. There only possible solution is action, which I'm happy to say I've started to take. I force myself to talk to people I don't really know, and I have yet to be disappointed. I don't think there's any possible way to be disappointed, because the worst that could happen is that I find out that somebody is worse than I thought they were. And that's pretty rare, I think I have a pretty easy time seeing if somebody is generally good or not so good without having to know them too well.
I should ramble on while I'm on my caffeine high. I haven't had coffee in months, maybe a year, so it's working really well. I'll need it if I want to read Utopia tonight...
As March gets closer and closer, I'm getting even more excited about college. I honestly can't wait to start anew in a different city, wherever God wills me to go, and meet new people. I know exactly how a little bit of kindness can brighten somebody's day, no matter who it comes from. I think it's time that I return the favor because every good turn deserves another, right? Right.
I just realized that pharmacy, for now at least, really is the path I want to go down. During retreat, one of my friends in my small group wasn't feeling to great. Luckily I brought some Airborne with me and gave him some. I asked him how he was feeling later, and later again, and both times he said better than before. I know it's small, but that's basically what pharmacists do, right? Give people drugs (good ones) to make them feel better. It's sounds stupid, I know, but it really made me feel good about myself because I was able to help somebody when they needed it.
I really should start reading the second half of Utopia. I think I'm immune to senioritis. I decided yesterday not to read the first part though I knew it was due today, and I just used Sparknotes instead. During our discussion of the book this morning in class, what I learned from Sparknotes was more than sufficient for me to understand the main points of the novel and some of the underlying themes. But what's the first thing I do when I get home? Feel guilty and just read the first half anyways. Uuuuggghhh. I swear, academic "diligence" is a blessing and a curse. Guilt sucks. Alright that's enough rambling, I should go read before the caffeine goes away and I crash.
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