Last Concert

My last orchestra and Wind I concert was last night. I thought I would get emotional, especially during E.T., but I didn't haha. Probably because we had a pretty... interesting concert in general. Whatevs. It was strange to begin with, since it was on a Wednesday and Wind II is in San Francisco still. So... There was nobody up top and the ground level wasn't even that full. Oh well. Even though I didn't practice the music at all (teehee), I think I did a pretty good job. And today I got a compliment from Torns. YESSSS. My life is complete. I can walk out of the band program knowing that my last note was a good one.

The concert made me think about whether or not I want to continue playing flute at UCLA. They have a pretty good program I'm sure, but I don't know if I want to dedicate my time to it anymore. Playing my instrument isn't necessarily fun for me, and I don't like practicing. At all. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. I stayed in band as long as I did because marching was really fun and the whole program shaped me into a much more confident and outgoing person. I will always be thankful for that, and for all of the friends I've made. Sooooo many of my friends are in band. At the same time, it's not my life. Well it's not anymore, at least haha. I'm not sure the symphonic band at UCLA will be very social. I mean, even Wind I alone isn't social. I met most of my friends through marching season, and since I'm sure I'm done marching... I don't know. I know I'll probably be super jealous of all of my non-senior friends by the time their marching season rolls around this year. Ugh. Oh well, as the saying goes, don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened.

I can't wait for band banquet. It didn't really mean anything more to me than just a big party at the end of the year for the past three years, but this one is going to be different. It really is a sending off and a conclusion to the single program that has been so important to me for the past four years. Maybe this is why it's so hard for people to quit smoking/drinking/drugs. The thought of not being involved with music, after so many years of doing it, is kind of scary. That being said, I'm not going to miss the music part, really. I enjoy listening to music more than performing it. I'm just scared of losing that common bond with all of my friends back home when I leave. But then again... in all honesty, I think it won't hurt so much since I'll be so immersed in the new world I'm going into. Aaahhhh here I go again, psyching myself out over going to college. I keep flip-flopping between being super excited and being nervous/anxious over leaving all of my friends here.

I started almost from scratch making friends going from Mesa Verde to Mt. Carmel since most of the Mesa Verde kids went to Westview, and the results have been spectacular. Who's to say it won't be even better at UCLA? Well I wouldn't say better, but at least the same kind of situation. I just need to find a new niche. I've always been a bando, a label for which I will always have affection. So what will I be in college? A study nerd? No, scratch that. That's not going to happen. Haha.

Ok now I'm psyching myself out more. Aaahhh. I just thought about how all of my friends here will forget about me. It's inevitable... but how often do I think of my friends who have graduated? Sure, I still love them. But it's just not the same, not seeing them everyday as I did before. Even the ones who still live close, like on my block close, are hard to keep up with. I still talk to certain people online and stuff, and we get together when they come back, but that's so occassional. Seeing somebody for at least an hour a day and maybe a couple of hours every month... what a change. And then I'll be replaced, as I've replaced them. Well not really replaced, because nobody can fill the place of a friend. But let's be realistic... people make new friends all of the time. And then they forget the ones who they don't see. It would be sad to try to change that. And kind of creepy too. When you leave high school, you're supposed to visit, but not too often, otherwise it looks like you're a creeper or somebody who can't let go. I'm so ready to let go of high school, but still not.

So I've basically said the same things I've been saying for months. Haha. I'll probably get emotional during band banquet, I can feel it. Can we just fast forward to that and graduation and summer and orientation and fall already?