Updates

1. I'm coming home either on Tuesday or Wednesday. Yay!

2. I think I'm crushing on a taken guy of ambiguous sexuality.

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Amygdala

Here's some application from my psych 10 class. Amygdala is Greek for almond. It's a part of our brains that's associated with fear, as well as smell. I can smell the fires. Due to context-dependent learning, it's easier to remember things when you're in the same environmental conditions as when you encoded the memory. I'm getting apprehensive now...

Oh well, it's partying and clubbing for me tonight!

Where do I start?

I have so, so much to blog about. A lot of things have happened to me since my last post, and I mean a lot.

They said that college is hard. They're right. College is a bitch and a half. I studied my ass off for two weeks, TWO WEEKS for my chemistry midterm last Tuesday. I did all of the past midterms, did all of the homework, everything. I have never studied for a test so hard in my life, literally. Come midterm day, I'm feeling pretty good. I take the midterm, and... what the fuck. There's random ass stuff on there I didn't even think about studying. I made stupid mistakes that I know cost me big points. But you know what really takes the bitchy cake? Ok, so I'm also enrolled in chem honors because I didn't think it would be that big a deal. I thought I could handle it. I knew my honors shit, and I knew it well. After I go through the midterm a second time, I get to the honors questions at the back. The TAs call out the 2 minute warning. I find that I skipped an entire page of honors questions. What. The. Fuck. I throw down my answers as fast as I can, just trying to get partial credit. I didn't finish in it, but I kept working until a TA specifically told me to stop. I was shaking, that's how bad it was. I won't know my grades until next Wednesday, and I totally could still get an A in the class if I aced everything. That's highly, highly unlikely, but still. It's good to know, I guess.

So far, my experience in chemistry has drastically changed what I want to do with my life, and made me realize my faulty reasoning behind what I had previously wanted to do with my life. I thought I was good in chemistry. And truth be told, I still think I have the capacity to understand it fairly well, I really do. I just can't see myself doing this for another quarter, let alone the rest of my life if I become a pharmacist. I always thought my forte was in the sciences and math. I pwned in bio, chem, physics, calc in high school. But college is different... Here, if you don't like what you're doing, no matter how hard you try, it's not going to be as easy as if you like what you're doing. I've experienced that firsthand. I fooled myself into thinking that I like math and the sciences just because I was good at them. Being good at a subject and liking a subject are two completely different things. I honestly don't want anything to do with math or "hard" sciences anymore as far as taking classes goes.

I decided to change my major to Psychology. My Psych 10 class is amazing. It's so entertaining, and I look forward to reading and going to lecture, moreso than I've ever looked forward to anything school related. It intrigues me so much. I got a 48/50 on my midterm, which I'm very, very proud of because I studied my ass off for that too, and it actually paid off. The best part about the psychology major is that, after this quarter, I'm done with chemistry. Forever. I don't have to take any calculus classes. The only math class I have to take is stats, which, according to reviews on bruinwalk.com, is ridiculously easy. My only physics class is going to be watered down physics for people who don't like physics. The rest of the requirements are soooo interesting sounding! Intro to human evolution, the philosophy of the mind, etc... I'm really excited to get into those classes. I wish now that they offered more classes like that in high school, because I totally would have taken them. Had psychology not been a bullshit class at Mt. Carmel, I would've been down for it.

Alright, I have to cut this short. I'm off to my last midterm for interracial dynamics, which I'm feeling really good about. There's still a lot I have on my mind, but I'll save that for later.

Homecoming

Here I am, sitting in my old room that really isn't mine anymore. There's the stuff I left behind, but my parents changed it around and it doesn't feel personal anymore. Is this my home or is UCLA my home now? I can't tell.

When I arrived last night, I was so happy to see everything that's familiar to me, and to experience the same old things I used to. I woke up the same way this morning. Right now, however, I remember why I wanted to get away from this place. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that I'm very tired of my old routine. I'm glad to not be living here permanently, but that doesn't mean I don't love San Diego. I have two homes now I guess, I just like one more than the other haha. Alright time to read for Interracial Dynamics then get to bed...

P.S. I achieved the freshman -5 since school started. Yessss.

Bait

Looking back, that was just one of those days. I haven't felt that depressed and disappointed in myself in a very long time. I'm glad it happened though, because it reminds me that life isn't all fluffiness and pretty pictures. Sometimes you do stupid things without thinking about them.

Sometimes stupid things happen to you for no reason, either. I was so happy for a couple of hours that day, and it seemed to make my earlier disappoints just disappear. But then I was met with more disappointment and it just made my day all the more horrible.

I still haven't reached that one goal I set over the summer. I have time, it's only Week 3, but still... I'm just thinking about how much easier life would be if I could reach it, you know? I was so close to get started on it that day... At least I fooled myself into believing so. Oh well, I just have to stay positive and know that it'll come with time.

Unload

Ok, I can't say I didn't except to see this coming. I have some things I have to get off of my chest.

I took my first chemistry quiz earlier today. I don't feel I did well on it at all. The reasons I came up with for my failure to succeed are:
~I did not recognize all of the material I had available to review with
~I lulled myself into a false sense of security by assuming the quiz was exactly like the practice quiz
~I was plain not prepared well enough

I knew college was difficult, I've been told that several times. So far, I thought I was adjusting well and that everything was going smoothly. It had been, truthfully. But this is my reality check... things aren't as easy as I want them to be. Luckily for me, my chemistry class is structured to grant a second chance to people like me who didn't know what to expect. If I get 40/40 on the prep quizzes, that 40/40 will replace my lowest quiz score. I'm expecting a 25/40 at least on this first quiz. Looking at this situation from an optimist's view, I'm getting more bang for my buck! Haha there it is, I found my optimism.

After I realized how stupid I was, I beat myself up over it. This problem was a simple plug-in, that one problem was much simpler than I made it out to be, blah blah. Yeah, I'll be the first to admit that my performance on that quiz was probably the worst I have ever performed on any examination. It was downright dreadful. It will probably haunt me until the end of the quarter when I find out my real score, since the scores will be adjusted for the class averages. But you know, why can't I put a positive spin on this? I know what to expect now, and I recognize the various materials available to help me that I did not recognize before. Is there a reason I shouldn't get two 40/40 scores on the remaining quizzes, and ace the midterm and final? No, I can do it. I'm not saying I'm going to or that it's likely to happen, but I just really need to reassure myself that though I've fallen, there's still hope to get back up to speed.

I can do this. College is hard, but I think I've done a fairly decent job in my life so far to prove that I am a hard worker. I can do this, I will succeed. I will try to get that 4.0 first quarter, but if not, let this be the testament to say that I tried.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

I'm off to do chemistry homework. I'm going to put the ho in gung-ho!

Waiting

I'm just waiting for Jessica to finish getting ready so we can go down to brunch, so... let me tell you about my day yesterday. Umm... what happened first? Oh yeah I woke up around 9:00, got ready, then went down to breakfast at 9:45. I hate how the dining hall doesn't open until 9:30 on weekends. I'm totally a breakfast person, it's probably my favorite meal of the day. For the past few days I've been getting two biscuits with a drizzle of honey. Mmmm. I don't think I could get tired of that. Anyways, after I got that beezy Regan up, we were off to Westwood. We went to Urban Outfitters because she wanted a new shirt for a party that night. I was her fashion advisor, you could say. It was totally gay. I was happy haha.

Lunch was an interesting event. We were going to eat at this French cafe and feel like swanky college students, but the line was really long and the place was packed so we decided to try it another time. We went to Damon & Pythias next... sounds Greek, right? It wasn't. It was just a regular sandwich shop. So we went next door to Falafel King, thinking Middle Eastern food was sounding good just about then. It SUCKED. $8.00 for a freaking sandwich which was bland and/or chalky and definitely gross. I don't see how that place stays in business. I got water in a cup because I didn't want to buy bottled, which was also a mistake. Water should not have a distinct taste. After 3 bites I was done with that garbage, so we went to Diddy Riese instead. A quarter of the price and an infinite times better quality in a $1.50 ice cream sandwich. Chocolate chip cookies + cookie dough ice cream = bliss.

Afterwards I got back and took a nap for a bit... then went down to Ackerman to buy my dinner in advance because I didn't want to get ripped off at the football game again. I was happy because I found that they have my favorite healthy muffins! I also got a Luna Bar. That's right, I ignored the fact that it's "for women". Take that, advertising companies. I don't adhere to the gender discrimination in your strategies. After that I went to line up at the buses because I needed to get an extra ticket because I didn't know you had to buy them by Thursday. I met some new friends in line and we were lucky enough to get on a bus. Boring ride over. Luna Bars are not only sexist but don't taste very good.

The game was exciting! We finally won! I met up with Jessica, Kyle, Vasko, and a new dude, Zishan, but we were sitting much further back than before. The spirit was definitely dampened in that area. I was still cheering and chanting, but it was disappointing after being in the middle of all of the excitement at the last game. Oh well. After the game we piled into Jessica's roommate's car, which was not a good idea at all. My legs started falling asleep and we were all jammed in the back. I got through it because I imagined it was somebody else's arm around me hahaha. Then we went to Diddy Riese... my third time in a day, but I only bought a sandwich once, so yay me. We walked back, I took a shower, went to sleep, and here I am. Hurry up Jessica! Gosh. I'm starving.

Sheltered

Since coming to college, I've come to realize how sheltered of a life I've lived so far. One of my roommates called me a farmer because I wake up early, and I came to realize that he's right. Like, really right. I thought it was the norm for everybody to sleep at 11:00 normally, wake up at 6:00 normally, eat breakfast, then get to the gym or start working on something. Apparently, the norm is to stay up until 2:00, wake up at 10:00, and study late at night. I'm talking about weekends, by the way. I was SO tired after the game yesterday, so I went to sleep at like 10:30. Lame, I know. I woke up at 7:30 and I thought that was it for me, but my roommates were still asleep and I didn't want to wake them up on accident and I have the liberty to just lay in bed, so I went back to lay in bed. I ended up falling asleep again and woke up at 9:15, which gave me around 10 hours of sleep. It felt good. I felt like I lost my whole morning, though.

Today was a chill study day. After breakfast, I went to the gym to do my sprints. I don't really like the machine I used, but I had no other choice since the others were taken... whatever, its not like I don't get enough sustained cardio walking up and down the hills, not to mention up and down six flights of stairs anytime I want to leave my floor. I only get 2 swipes for brunch/dinner on weekends, so I went to Jamba Juice for lunch. It was fun to just sit there in the citrus lounges or whatever they're called and just people watch and text people back home and away at other schools. Afterwards I went to Powell and worked on chemistry homework/psych reading and notes. It's DEAD quiet in there, so it was perfect. The time kind of flew by, and I ended up working in there for upwards of three hours straight. Not bad. It got kind of boring in the middle because there was nobody there, but whatever. Come to think of it, I was surprised by how dead campus was in general. When there's classes, Bruin Walk and basically every place is packed with people. Today, nobody. I kind of liked it, but it felt lonely since it's such a big area. Whatever, it's just the weekends.

Dinner was SOOOO funny. I went down with my friend Hedy (she's so cute!) and we just heard the weirdest shit and had the funniest conversations. I don't want to put it all down because I'm tired and it won't be funny to you since it's an inside joke anyways, but trust me, it was funny as hell. Yeah now I'm tired already... I'm doing laundry for the first time in college though! Yay for that.

My First College Weekend (so far, at least)

First Friday night, yeah! So Kyle, Jessica, and I decided Resfest would be lame, but we would check it out anyways. On our way up to Rendezvous for dinner, we passed Regan, who wanted to watch Eagle Eye at the AMC Theater. We were hungry as hell, especially me since I never eat that late, so we decided to watch it later. Rendezvous was ok, it was pretty much Panda Express with a little less bang. Afterwards, we just wanted to skip Resfest and watch the movie, but Regan said the next showing would be too late, so it was just the three of us. We had time to kill, so we wandered around Westwood for a while. We went into aaahhh's, or however many a's and h's it has, and looked at costumes and stuff. I bought a blue cushion for my ass since this hard chair I'm sitting on is evil. Well not anymore, thank you ass-saving cushion! We were going to hit up Diddy Riese but the line was ridiculously long (as expected) so we went to Pinkberry instead. At first I was like wtf, they only have three frozen yogurt flavors? I'm so used to Yogurt World with its myriad of flavors and toppings, but Pinkberry was very limited in that sense. It was GOOD, though. It actually tasted like yogurt. I got the Original with Cap'n Crunch. Yum.

When we finally got to the theater, after getting slightly lost a few times, we decided to watch Burn After Reading instead. It was funny, and afterwards, my thoughts on it were just wtf. Seriously. Then we came back and Regan wanted an escort home from Hedrick (wtf?) so we did that. Not like she needed it. We were walking around Westwood dodging sleeping hobos on the sidewalk and she was just walking from one residence hall to another. It was a late night.

Anyways, today was a fun-filled adventure full of new experiences, I must say. I woke up expecting to have breakfast at like 8:00 or so since D7 and D8 were leaving for the buses at 9:15, but the dining hall didn't even open until 9:30! Bullshit. Good thing my roommates and I stockpiled fruit in our fridge. When we got down to the buses, I realized I didn't have my bus ticket with me. Fuck. So I sprinted back to Dykstra, up six levels of stairs to my room, and back. Luckily I made it before we even got on the bus. Woohoo. The bus ride was pretty much uneventful, until our bus driver decided to ignore the advice of a traffic director person and signs saying buses can't pass on a certain (mostly private) road. We went up this steep, winding road with a bunch of really expensive houses, almost hitting a car going the opposite way, and with everybody scared we were going to hit something. Eventually the driver killed the engine trying to go around a really sharp curve, so we had to walk the rest of the way. Luckily one of my floormates is from Pasadena and she showed us the way to the Rose Bowl. It was freaking hot.

The game was fun. You should know that I'm not a big sports person, but I was cheering my head off and getting all into it. It was really fun! No, we didn't win, but whatever. The score was much closer than last week, and much much closer than last last week. It's an improvement. It was freaking hot though, so I had to give in and pay $3.50 for bottled water because the line for the drinking fountain was ridiculous.

The bus ride home was kind of horrendous. The seats were all filled so I had to stand and hold onto one of those rope things hanging from the rails. I was afraid I was going to fall anyways, but I didn't, so yeah. Halfway along the route, the bus driver turned off the a/c for some stupid reason and it was so stuffy in there. Oh yeah, randomly some stupid lady on the freeway came to a complete stop, got out of her car, grabbed her purse from her trunk, then started up again, all right in front of us. What the hell. Who does that, much less on the freeway? It wasn't even bumper to bumper traffic or anything.

Sooo then we got back, I took a shower, then had dinner, which brings me here. Gosh that was a great dinner. I was starving since for breakfast I only had two apples and a banana, and my lunch was (a very expensive) bbq and rice bowl at the Rose Bowl... that was like 6 hours prior, too. I'm going to bed early tonight for sure, I'm already super tired now. I could probably fall asleep right now, but I don't want to be a loser and I should get in some reading or something so I can call this day at least somewhat productive. On second thought, fuck that. I have all of tomorrow to read. And do laundry.

City Lights

I live on the very eastern end of my hall. Right outside my door is a window that gives way to campus and the city itself. I just went out there for a bit, looking at the city lights, and then it hit me: I'm home.

Asian Lesbians

Bruin Bash was totally cool. The first 2/3 of the concert were kind of meh though. I've never heard of the Cool Kids so needless to say I was like whatever. Estelle was better, but nobody knew any of her songs other than American Boy. We went down to the floor before Hellogoodbye went on even though Jessica didn't have a yellow wristband and I took mine off. Thank you, nice security guard! Hellogoodbye was great. A few technical difficulties, but who cares? Standing near the speakers took away my hearing a bit but it's all good. We went right after the concert to Ackerman to watch Eagle Eye, but they were sold out already, and had been for an hour. The movie didn't even start for another hour! That's crazy. So afterwards I just went back to my room and chilled for a while.

What happened yesterday? It was pretty chill, new student welcome which was boring, and new student bbq. Oh afterwards we had a Dykstra Hall meeting, which was fun. Then a floor meeting, also fun. I missed the Heroes premiere, but whatevs. I hung out with my floor, so it's all good! I just checked and I can watch it online anyways. I'll probably do that this morning before I hit the gym. I was never really a cheering kind of person outside of band, but since I got here, I scream my head off everytime we start cheering. Yay school spirit.

I've had some small panic attacks when I think "Oh shit this campus is so huge, where do I fit in?" and "Wow these people are really dissimilar from me... like we have nothing in common at all." But then I remember that of course that's going to happen, but that won't stop me from getting to know them. Plus, there's a bunch of clubs I'm interested and they're certain to have people like me. Lots of people like me, actually haha.

The food here is bomb. It's so easy to eat healthy, too. I love it! I don't have to worry about cooking healthy for myself since my family doesn't eat healthy, I can just walk up and get my lovely stir-fry and tofu salad. OMG they have tofu here. Tofu like fills my life with sunshine when I stick i in my salads. Oh and my roommates and I agreed to always take back a piece of fruit so we can stockpile in our fridge. Speaking of roommates, mine are basically awesome. They're really friendly, diverse, not crazy from what I've seen so far, and really considerate. None of this walk in at 3 in the morning and blast music shit. None of this "I'm going to sit at my desk with the door closed" nonsense either. I think it's going to be a great year!

College

Here I am at UCLA, tired like a monkey but still blogging because I want to document my first official day living in college.

I woke up at 6:00 for like no reason. I think it might have been because of the rising sun, but I went to sleep around midnight because I went to Rite-Aid to buy more hangers with Regan. That's strange for my strong circadian rhythm which usually guarantees 7.5 hours. Oh well, I was all chipper. Brushed teeth, said goodbye to the roomie who was off to perform at the football game, then went down and had breakfast alone since Jessica was working. I'm going to start working soon too, hopefully with some common shifts with her. I'll have to get the forms tomorrow... Anyways, I'm really happy with the healthy options of the dining hall. It's strange the effect food can have on your mood in the morning. When I got up, I was actually a little groggy and I had a mini panic attack because I didn't know anybody outside my 4ish MC friends and there are SO many people here, you know? I got kind of depressed. But after breakfast, I felt much better and started saying hi to everybody I ran into. I'm really forcing myself out of my shell, and I think I'm doing a good job. I've met so many new people, and I forget their names after like 15 seconds haha. I was never bad with names, but this is a lot.

After breakfast, I finished setting up my room. Mainly I set up and calibrated my new printer. I was going to set up the TV and Wii, but the power chord isnt' long enough to reach the outlet. Darn. I'll buy a small one so I can start using it and inviting people to play in my room. After that I went to check out the John Wooden Center, which is the largest gym on campus. It was really nice! Three levels. Basketball courts, racquetball courts, free weights, machines, cardio equipment, you name it, it's there. Then I came back and took a shower for the first time. That was interesting. There are small shower stalls with hooks on them, but I was afraid to put my clothes on it because I thought the water from the showerhead would get it wet. I ended up putting my towel over my clothes and hanging it all from the top of the stall. It worked, but I think I'll just buy a bath robe to make things easier for myself. Then it was time for lunch, which I also ate alone because Jessica was busy and Regan went to the football game. I'm glad I decided not to go to the football game today (I had nobody really to go with and I didn't want to latch onto Regan) because we lost pretty badly. After lunch, I took a short nap then met up with Jessica and Kyle outside Covell Commons. There was a football game viewing party so we watched the game there... left early though because it sucked haha. I've never really been into sports. That's the gay stereotype showing itself haha. Sooo after that we decided to see if anybody new moved in our floors. We went to my floor and my nextdoor neighbor, Alex, told me how some creepy socialist guy was handing out pamphlets and newspapers about socialism and how he thought it was funny. We walked down the hall and saw him preying on some poor girls who were just nodding absently at whatever the creepy socialist guy said. Then we went to Jessica's room and chilled there before going to Kyle's room. Guess who was there... the socialist guy! He was talking the ears off of one of Kyle's roommate's friends. Freaky. Then we just chilled there before meeting up with Vasko (sp?) to check out his room in Sproul, the newly renovated hall. It's so nice compared to ours. Whatever though, Dykstra is undisputedly the most social hall. Then dinner... then the soccer game! We got invited to watch by some of my floormates who are on the soccer team. We won! Good game, too. I actually got into it, which is kind of rare for me. Then Regan was hungry so we walked to In-n-Out in Westwood and hung out for a while. Now here I am.

Sorry that wasn't really descriptive towards the end, but I'm really tired and I just wanted to get everything down. The combination of working out, walking everywhere, and never taking the elevator (I'm on the 8th floor!) has really tired me out. That's good though, hopefully it'll get me out of this retarded fitness plateau. Alright I'm out... Night!

In 27 hours...

I'll be moving in! I'm so excited. I have 98% of my stuff packed and ready to go.

I had my last lesson on Monday. Thankfully Mrs. Woo wasn't drugged out of her mind like last week. That was really scary and made me pity her. I hate pitying people, because I know I hate to be pitied. I told her how I was just thinking about how vividly I remember my first lesson with her. I remember printing out the directions from MapQuest, having my dad drive me over, then never taking the original route to her house because we found a better one. I remember asking about tone quality, and her showing me these weird extended techniques that actually worked. She cried. Haha.

I said goodbye to my closest friends still in high school today, but I didn't get emotional at all, like I knew I wouldn't. It takes a lot to make me emotional about departures and stuff, because in reality you only miss somebody in theory. In actuality, your life is so busy that you quickly forget that somebody isn't around, which is completely natural. Anyways, leaving the Mt. Carmel parking lot for the last time didn't bring back any real sentiments either, like you would except out of a Hollywood movie or something. High school was great, don't get it twisted, but in light of what's about to happen.. You get the picture.

So tomorrow is the very last day I'll have to endure the annoyance of my parents. Honestly, they never have a clue what's going on. It's taken my mom several weeks to get a computer loan from the bank for my new Macbook. She applied several weeks ago, and then I got a call saying she didn't do it right so we have to do it again. It's been a few more weeks and now she wants to go tomorrow morning. She can't seem to get off her cell phone, either. It's always work, work work with her. She's married to her work. I understand that she's working to get money to support me and all that, but that gets lame after a very short while. What's the point of it if she never spends time with me? My parents barely know me, and they've never made an effort to get to know me. That's a shame, because they basically lost their chance. Oh well. If I'm ever a parent, at least I know how not to parent.

That just brought up some weird thoughts. Will I ever be a parent? Who knows. That answer depends on a lot of things that I can't predict right now. I don't doubt that I'll have that option down the road, but I can't say right now whether or not I'd take it or leave it. Hmm. Very deep.

I can't, can't, can't, can't, can't wait to start meeting new people. I love new things and experiences! There are some things I've deprived myself of these past few years, and that's totally understandable, but I feel like I'm about to have a new sense of freedom that goes above what freshmen usually feel, if you get what I mean.

Ah, well. Goodbye, San Diego, I'll miss you... but only in the way I described above hahaha.

Last Stretch

I have five days left in San Diego. That means I just have to pull through three more then I'm basically free. I figure Thursday will be a giant prep day and Friday, of course, is when I leave. I'm sooo excited! It's so surreal, just to think that in less than week I'll be meeting my roommates and floormates, going to concerts and dances and whatnot at Bruin Bash, meeting all sorts of new people, and starting school again. I already did started reviewing for my chemistry class out of boredom, and possible necessity. It has been over a year since I finished chem, and math as well. It's a good thing I started, too. I think it will be very beneficial... I still need to get my course reader. I hope I can get up to LA early enough so that I'll have ample time to sit in traffic, hit up the course reader place, then move in. Speaking of chem, I just found that there's an honors option for the class I'm taking, Chem 14A. I just got an e-mail from UCLA about so, so of course I had to jump on... but that meant nixing my seminar on animal thought. That's ok, I only took that seminar because I wanted honors credit, so it's the same. I would've done both, had they not been scheduled for almost exactly the same time. Oh well.

I think I might end up being alone the first day or so when I move in, in my room at least. The first roommate's already moved in since he's doing band camp (if I remember the schedule correctly, he just finished for the day!) so he'll be out until after I move in, I assume. Same with the next day, I think. The third roommate is moving in on Sunday... but that's fine, I'll have time to get to know my floormates. Soooo excited to meet all of them!

You know what?

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of holding myself to unrealistic standards. I knew they were unrealistic from the beginning and when combined with my overcompensatory personality... yeah that's not working out so well. I'm glad with the progress I've made, and I think it's pretty damn remarkable. I know my disgruntled attitude to partly due to today's loneliness, boredom, and cloudiness, but that doesn't change the fact of the matter. Tomorrow's a new day, and I'm going to start it out not restricting myself, not punishing myself for past mistakes. I've overcome quite a few obstacles in my short life, so who's to say I can't handle this one? You'll see.

Two Blinks

I forgot to blog about something weird that happened to me two mornings ago. I was washing some dishes, and I had the smallest of blackouts. It was really weird. It lasted about twice the length of a blink of an eye. I know it wasn't just a blink or something wrong with my eyes, because the microwave was on and I could hear the hum of the microwave go lower in pitch during the blackout and then return to normal. Very strange. I'm not concerned, but I'm just curious about what it was and why it happened.

In other news, today was really fun! I hung out in Mira Mesa with Ria Mae and Martha. First we chilled at Tapioca Heaven and just let our fattiness out. We shared one order of popcorn chicken and three orders of cream cheese wontons between us. Whattt haha. Then we walked, yes walked, across the street because Ria wanted halo halo and Martha wanted to try pho. Pho? Yes, pho. We went to the pho place and it smelled weird. Their symbol was just the Laughing Cow with the cheese earrings taken off hahaha. Then we just talked for a long time in Cristy's. Good times. I like just talking with people. No pressure, just talking about whatever. I'm a little wary because I'll have to limit my personality when I talk to new people in college... I don't want to scare anybody away. Actually no, I don't think I'll do that. What's the point? Being fake and then showing your personality later is stupid. I'll just be me from the get-go. Jessica was right to not like the "Oh, hi! What's your major?" bullcrap at orientation. It was nice because it got everybody out of their shells (well, most people) but it really is fake.

What else happened today? Not much, I just did some more HIIT (that's high intensity interval training) at Mesa Verde after I got back. It really is fun. So here's how I do: warm up at a moderate pace for 4, maybe 5 minutes. Sprint like somebody's trying to kill you for 30 seconds. Jog/walk for 30 seconds. Sprint again like that guy trying to kill you was just taking a breather and is chasing you again, for 30 seconds. Jog/walk for 30 seconds. You get it. After 6 minutes of the sprint/jog routine, cool down for 4, maybe 5 minutes. That's it. A total of 16 minutes max gives you greater benefits than 45 minutes on a treadmill/elliptical at a moderate pace. How do I know? I did the whole treadmill/elliptical thing for months. It stopped working. Earlier this summer, I bought size 30 jeans and said "Ok, before you leave for college, you must be able to fit into these comfortably." Two weeks ago, I started HIIT. Those jeans fit now! Alright now I feel like one of those people who try to motivate lazy people to get up and do stuff. They bugged me so I'll stop haha.

Ummmm... yeah. 8 days. I think my moving situation will work out fine. One of my roommates will be at band camp during the time I'm assigned to move in, so I won't have to worry about 4 people crammed into that tiny room moving stuff around, or my parents embarrassing me in front of my new roommate. The other roommate will move in a couple of days later than me, so I know I won't be stuck with the worst bed and the worst bunk. I will get one of those though, since I'm not going to be a total jerk and leave him with the worst things haha. I either want the bottom bunk or the elevated single bed with the desk below. Yeah, that sounds good.

You know, whenever I get reminiscent about San Diego, and look back at everything that's happened to me here, I don't get sad. I was thinking today that it might be the last time I'll ever go to Tapioca Heaven and Lucky Seafood and Cristy's Bakery, but I wasn't sad. Anyways, I'm sure they'll have better boba and better frozen yogurt in Westwood... plus, even if they don't, there's always Diddy Riese! I'm definitely looking forward to going back there. K I think I'm done.

P.S. I found the softest UCLA throw at Wal-Mart the other day. It was $5. Score.

10 Days

I can officially do the rocketship countdown to blastoff now.

I'm SO bored during the day. You know how bored? I review for chem. In the morning. It is useful though, since I haven't been in a chemistry class in basically a whole year. I'm a bit rusty. What's the chemical formula for rust? I think it's FeO. Ferrous oxide? Let's check wikipedia... Well I got the elements correct, but not the ratio haha. Oh well whatevs. I think I'll end up reading the first sections and probably doing the first sets of homework problems for that class before I even move in. That's good, since homework doesn't even count for anything. You'd think all college courses would be like that, but homework was a big part of the grade when I took chem at Miramar, so yeah... I like chem, but not as much as bio.

Alright. 10 days. Let's see what good I can accomplish in that time.

In less serious news...

I found a single blonde hair on my arm today. It was twice as long as the others, and you all should know the hair on my arms is very, very short. You can barely even see it at all. This hair was seriously blonde, though. It was really weird so I pulled it out haha.

Control

I'm in control of my life, and I'm not going to be influenced from stupid, superficial, catty things I see in ads and all that. I've done some less than reputable things in the past week, but I'm making up for it. I'm proud to say I'm holding myself accountable from here on out, and that I won't let myself escape the consequences of my actions. It's one thing to make a mistake, but I now realize how I handled it just made things worse... but I'm all even now, so I won't worry about that. What's past is past, and the future is looking bright. Maybe I'll explain in more detail later, but for now just know that I overcame something that, if I let it, could possibly ruin my life, or even end it.

Don't worry about me, though, I've got things under control again.

:]

(No, it has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol or stupid things like that...)

Vacation

I've only been on a real vacation maybe 5 times in my life. Once in kindergarten when my family took a road trip to Oklahoma to visit my uncle for Christmas when he was stationed there, Virginia with my mom and sister freshman year, and Hawai'i later that year. Or was Virginia during sophomore year? I can't remember, it wasn't that memorable. Anyways, needless to say, this past vacation has been a long time coming. It was only two days in the Palm Springs area, but still, I really needed it to break the monotony of life. I rarely ever travel, which is sad. My mom, brother, and sister went to the Philippines over winter break two years ago, then Australia last year. Honestly, wtf. My mom owes me big time for that still.

Anyways, we started off late as usual. I think the biggest reason I hate being late is beause my family is always late. My dad seriously has the worst sense of time ever. He always says he needs my help for 10 minutes or that a task will only take an hour, but 95% of the time he will be off by at least 50% of what he said. And in general my family is slow... They're slow to change, slow to make decisions, slow to understand, slow to basically everything. Except me, I like things fast and to the point. Looking from the outside, I really am the odd one out in my family, and that's pretty much how I like it. I don't want to be like them. Back to my vacation recap. Drove up to Palm Desert, nothing exciting about the trip. There was no traffic since it was Sunday afternoon and we were driving to the middle of nowhere. I would hate to live in one of those desert cities because there is absolutely nothing to do but bake yourself and pray your a/c doesn't die on you. It's perfect for a short vacation though.

After we checked in at our hotel in Palm Desert, we went to Palm Springs to ride the aerial tram. Supposedly it's the largest one of its kind in the world, blah blah blah. It was fun, not really exciting though. There were little "bumps" in the ride up and down when the track we were on would change it's steepness, and everybody freaked out at all of them. They were nothing to get excited about. The top of the mountain, Mt. San Jacinto, was pretty. It was about 30 degrees cooler than the desert below, so that was a relief. There were squirrels everywhere that fed off of the tourists eating at the restaurant. Our waiter was a dick, btw, so we gave him a small tip. After we came back down from the mountain, we decided to rest in the hotel because my mom and sister were sleepy. I just watched an episode of Heroes online via Netflix because the TV sucked in that room haha. Then it was time for dinner... We looked in the tour guide map thing for nearby restaurants and saw there was a Cheesecake Factory nearby. None of us had ever gone, so we decided to go there. That was quite possibly the best decision I've made in a long time haha. It was SO good. I shared an order of Bang-Bang chicken and shrimp with my mom. I half ordered it for the name hahaha. My brother got this burger made of a certain kind of beef we saw on tv once on the travel channel. It comes from Japan where they massage the cattle and give them beer to drink so they're really spoiled, and apparently it makes them very tender. And of course since it was the Cheesecake Factory, we all got cheesecake. I pretty much died and went to heaven. We all got something different and they decorated my mom's plate because it was her birthday. I was pretty much full to bursting by the end of the day but whatever, I haven't had a vacation in forever and it was about time I celebrated all of the weight I lost over the past several months. I usually don't look forward to my birthday because nothing special really happens since my family is lame and I don't want my friends to meet them so we never have parties. Even if I wanted a party, my family would cheap out and it would just be lame all the same, so whatever. But this year I'm actually excited... I want to go to the Cheesecake Factory again haha.

Buuut I have jury duty 3 days after my birthday. Lame. It was supposed to be on September 12th, that's when I got my summons for, but obviously that is not good timing because I move in at UCLA on the 19th. If I got assigned to a case or anything, all of my plans would be thrown into uncertainty, and that's not something I want. I'll do my civic duty, but will I sacrifice the first week of the most important years of my life? That's a big fuck no. So here's how I except things to happen... December 11th is my last final, and December 12th is the last day of finals, so there'll be two reasons to celebrate that night. I'll either leave for home on the 13th or 14th because I need to be back on the 15th in San Diego for my jury duty thing. Yeah, I hope that all works out.

Well now my vacation's over and it's time to jump back on th wagon and make up for all of the naughty food I ate on those two days. This was a boring post, but what can I say? I have a boring life. For now. 24 days and I'm out of here!

All Time Low

Why did I do that? I've come a long way, a really long way. I still have a little ways to go, but it's nothing compared to how long I've already come. I know it's wrong, and I did it in a state of panic, but still... it's wrong. I won't ever do that again. I'll mark today as my all time low, and I will never allow myself to drop this far again. I'm getting back on that train and I'm not getting off until I reach my destination. If you're reading this, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll look back at this in a couple of months and then maybe I'll explain fully...

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I haven't been updating this as much as I should be, and maybe that's why my life has a fairly unsatisfactory sense around it.

Sitting. It's basically what I do during the day. This summer is so incredibly boring and long. I'm really jealous of all of my friends who are starting school within a week or so. Me? I have another month to rot in San Diego, doing nothing. Here's a typical day in my life. Wake up, the latest at 8:00 because of my freakishly punctual internal clock. Eat breakfast. Watch tv for an hour or so while I digest. Go to the gym for about 45 minutes. Come home, shower. Eat my post-workout snack. Sit in my room either watching movies or reading until lunch. Eat lunch. Watch tv/read/play video games until around 3ish. Eat afternoon snack. Nap/read/tv/video games until dinner. Dinner. Computer time is dispersed randomly throughout the day, by the way. But yeah, that's pretty much what I do unless I have plans with friends. I have to live like this for another freaking month... ugh! I wish I had a job. Not only do I want spending money, I just want a purpose. I'm not going all emo like aahhh life has no meaning, I just have nothing that needs to be done. Time flies not only when you're having fun, but when you're occupied. I'm not occupied. As interesting and riveting as watching Heroes is, I'd rather only have to watch one episode a day to entertain myself as opposed to several.

Speaking of Heroes, that show got me thinking a lot. It's been a while since a show really captivated me like that, and I was just thinking about why. Of course, the drama element is a big part of why because shows with struggling single mothers on the run from mobsters who happen to have a split personality, the other personality being a murdered sister from decades ago who have super strength and super evilness tend to catch people's attentions. But on the side, it's just the thought of being special, being different. I've always been different. I don't try to be, I just be, and that happens to be different. I remember growing up I was always different. Shy, fat, no guy friends, different in as many ways as possible from the norm. Thank God high school changed that. Actually high school didn't change that, it just made it more acceptable. Acceptable to me, in particular. I went from the mindset of "Oh my gosh I'm different and I have to hide it" to "Fuck it, being me makes me happy so that's what I'm going to do." It's worked out wonderfully, I must say. I do things my way, and that still happens to be different most of the time, but everything works out in the end. Variety is the spice of life, and God seems to have had that specific notion in mind when He made me.

I visited with friends during band camp today. I love them all to death and there's nothing that can change the happy memories I made with them or how I feel about them, but there's still that inherent wall that separates us now. We're not together all the time, we're not experiencing the same things at the same times anymore. I have to be filled in on their inside jokes and everytime we meet again I feel like it's always catch up time. But that's how it is, you know? That's how it's going to be. One of the best indicators of whether or not two people will become friends and stay friends is proximity and consistency. I don't have that anymore with my old friends, and you know what? It doesn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. Is this maturity? I guess I like it. I'm not thinking of replacing them, because that just can never happen, but I guess I find solace in the fact that I will be living with a whole new group of peers within... a month, really, and we'll be taking the proximity factor to a whole new level. Taking classes, watching tv, hanging out, studying, eating, exercising, talking... all of these things, with new people.

This brings me to another thought I've been having lately. In high school, band was always like my social security blanket. I could always make a new friend easily if they were also in band, because that was an instant connection, one that included a myriad of experiences we both went through. Now that I've decided that the band part of my life is pretty much over, who will I be? A bando, not anymore. A smart Asian? That describes half of the student body at UCLA. Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way. Going into high school, all of those superficial notions of cliques and exclusive groups of friends went away. For me, at least, they did. College must be just like that, but on a larger scale. Nobody knows anybody, really. Of course we have friends from high school, but the chances that we'll be living together or taking the same classes is slim. Of the six or so other MCHS alumni I know are going to UCLA, none of them are on my floor and I don't have classes with any of them. I'm not sad about that, I'm really grateful for the opportunity to be thrown outside my comfort zone. Everybody else will be forced out that way, too. This will be another chance to reinvent myself, as I have done so many times in the past. Actually, I don't like that phrasing. I don't reinvent myself, I just let myself be more true to... well, myself.

I think that's enough ranting, and maybe it's close enough to covering all of the times I didn't blog. Most of those times can be summed up in my typical day formula though, so whatevs. Peace out.

BTW, Enchanted is my new favorite movie! I wish I had the power t0 summon cute woodland creatures and make them do bitch work for me like clean the house...

Old Friends, New Experiences

Today was a day of many firsts. I hung out with two friends who I haven't seen in a while, and it was aaawesome.

First, off to shopping at Hillcrest. I went to a bunch of stores I had never been to before. Actually, I had only been to Hillcrest once that I remember, and it was for a birthday party at the Corvette Diner a couple of years ago. I usually don't go to thrift stores because the clothes are gross and I feel poor when I go to the ones on Poway Road, but the Buffalo Exchange was really cool. Nothing even looked used. Flashbacks was kind of weird. I would never wear retro stuff, sorry! This other store, Rags, smelled really bad but it was an interesting experience nonetheless.

After we got starved, we went to the Corvette Diner, my second time ever. We had an awesome waitress named Goldie. Another first, she said we were the first table that day to have everybody remember her name. Woooooo. We all ordered different things, then did a rotation so we ate each others' food. It was GOOD. Note to anybody who's going to eat there anytime soon: the Saturday special is A LOT of food. We ended up eating the leftovers for dinner! So after that we had some main Downtown area adventures. Since Comic-Con is in town, parking was a bitch. We eventually made it to our destination, Urban Outfitters. Holy crap is that place overpriced. Then things got really interesting... one of my friends wanted to go to the Hustler store nearby, and since we were all at least 18, we could go upstairs. You know, upstairs. It was... an experience, haha. We basically looked at everything and laughed at it. None of it was in the least bit exciting. It's sad to think some people really like that stuff, and I mean a lot. As in, enough to work there. Let's just say, you won't find any romance in porn. But you will find penis-shaped cake pans upstairs at the Hustler store, among many other sketchy things. I'm sure we pissed off the staff because we were talking very loudly and objectively about the products, but whatever. It's not like I'll ever see them again.

So afterwards we went home and chilled. We watched Shear Genius, which I had never seen before. There are so many talent search shows nowadays. Look for the next best chef, the next best hair stylist, the next best country singer, whatever... It was at least entertaining. That reminds me, I want to get a haircut soon. So there you go. From cool stores to yummy food to skanky stores to new shows, today was a day of firsts.

It's been a while.

My summer has been a big blob of boring with some dashes of excitement here and there. I just feel like I'm one those Jews fasting all day only to stuff their faces when the sun goes down. When will my sun go down? In about 60 days, when I move in at UCLA. Then my boring spell will be dead and I'll be the most social person I've ever known myself to be. I'm getting excited thinking about it already! It's still surreal to me, though I'm getting more and more used to the fact that I'm going to be a college student. I'm already enrolled in my classes, I know what classes I want to take, and I bought most of the furnishings I'll need for my dorm room. But still... the thought of living exclusively among my peers with no family around is so foreign to me, but I can't stop looking forward to it! I just want to get out of here. Even just getting out of this house is hard. Everybody has different schedules and it's so hard to get a group of friends together to do things. I've been trying with one group for several weeks to coordinate just one day to spend together, which hasn't happened yet. Same thing with a different group of friends. We're finally getting to it this week, though!

Orientation was thoroughly amazing. I tried my hardest to be outgoing and get to know the people I was around, even though it was likely I wouldn't see very much of them during the school year. There's nothing wrong with networking, right? I met a bunch of people who were from San Diego, and they were all really cool. That's not to say the everybody else wasn't. Lily and I didn't name that fugly statue Helga von Schlaffenberger for nothing. My orientation group was really chill. It was so easy to open up to them about stuff, especially when we had those deep discussions. I would blog about the whole thing, but it's been a while and I don't really feel like putting down everything that happened. Basically the first day was fun, the second day was very tiring, and the third day was very rewarding. There you go, Orientation 101 in a nutshell.

I can't wait to start getting to know more and more and more people. I'm not looking to be everybody's best friend, though it would be nice, but having a lot of acquaintances in addition to a lot of besties is very appealing. Watching Dorm Life was so entertaining! I'm sad I finished it. I really love the characters. There was the crazy RA, the crazy girl in general, the antisocial Mormon or something like that, the drunkards, the sorority girls, the good boy... I hope to meet people like them in my real life dorm life. Aaaahhh. Here I am looking forward again. 60 days!

Creeper

Today I met a very creepy man. I went to the Carmel Mountain library because the PQ library didn't have the book I wanted. As I left, I held the door open for an old Middle Eastern man walking out. He thanked me and asked my name, and started casual small talk. Did I live around here, blah blah blah. That didn't seem too creepy. I thought he was either really friendly or senile, or possibly a combination of both. He told me his family just moved here from Pittsburgh, where they had lots of friends, so he was trying to make new friends here in San Diego. Oh, that's cool. I said. He asked if I was free today and of course my mental anti-rape reflexes spat out an excuse of why I wasn't. Tomorrow? No. Next week? Umm, maybe, I told him. I have a summer job and I'll see if I can get off... So I made a fake appointment to meet him again at the library next Thursday at 3, just to get him off my back. At first I thought he was nice, but he was really, really creepy. What old guy asks an 18-year old for coffee out of the blue and just "to talk"? Sounds like the stuff you hear about on the news about abduction. I have no intention of ever going back to that library. He even wrote down our "meeting" and asked my last name. I told him Rodriguez because it was the first thing that came to mind. Maybe that'll make him think I'm a Mexican, because very few Filipinos have that last name.

As I was going back to my car (he walked me there) he said something along the lines of "Be bold. Don't be afraid to come out of the closet!" and I was like "What?!" I didn't think I'm a flamer or anything, but even if he did guess correctly, it was none of his business since I just met him like 5 minutes ago. It was just really, really creepy. I felt really strange and unsafe after that so naturally I left to do errands in a (luckily) more crowded area of Carmel Mountain.

I feel bad because it's possible he's just a very friendly old man trying to man friends in a new city. But he is old enough to know that a 50+ year old man trying to befriend and 18 year old out of the blue is not normal, and would make most people suspicious. Oh well. By not going, the worst that could happen is that he gets disappointed. Who knows? I could see him on the news as a serial rapist and murderer soon.

Anyways, on a brighter note, I watched the fireworks today. Just got back, actually. We had a lovely view of the pole that holds up the stadium lights hahaha. It was a nice show, at least. I didn't even get stuck in traffic on the way home because I took the back road. Yay! Tomorrow's the 4th of July parade in RB. Just the thought of MC's first performance without me makes me feel kind of weird... but I'm not saying I'd do it again. Four years is the perfect amount. Band has been my life, but it is no longer what I devote most of my time to. Life's sweeping me in other directions, and I'm eager to try other things.

Cheat Day

They weren't joking when they said the last 10 pounds are the hardest to lose and take the most time. I'm working out, doing both cardio and weight training, often and well, but progress is soooo slow. When I was super obese and I started dieting, the pounds just melted off. Now they stick like gum under a desk. Both are gross.

Anyways, on a brighter note, today was fun! It was my cheating day haha. I never had one since I started my new exercise/diet regimen in April, although you're supposed to set aside one day a week where you let yourself cheat on the diet, but not necessarily eat yourself to death. That would be gross anyways. But I haven't done it before because I'm a very driven person, and I'd rather just head straight on without sacrificing a day, but now I think I needed it. Good thing I got it out of my system.

So I started off with another session of high intensity interval training at Mesa Verde. Sprinting, I must say, is really fun. You know how if you stare at a clock, waiting for one mere minute to pass, that minute feels like forever? While you're sprinting, it goes by like nothing. My huge calves finally come in handy, too. So right after that I go home and see that I have a text from Katrina about going to the mall to get Stephanie's present. Woo! Mall time. I showered, got ready, then left for the mall. When I got there, I was close to the escalator on the bottom floor so I looked at whose F.A.C.E. was there. Jessica's was! I took a picture to send as a picture text to her, but the mall security dude standing by made me delete it. Apparently you can't take pictures at the mall? I didn't know that. Neither had I seen a mall security guy before at North County. Whatevs, no skin off of my back. After Katrina arrived, we looked around Forever 21 for a while. Nothing good. We checked a bunch of other stores too like Spencer's, AE, with no luck. Finally we found some cute and funny shirts at Anchor Blue. One has a picture of a carton of milk saying "Whip me!" and an egg saying "Beat me!" and another has a picture of a broken crayon saying "Oh snap!" We thought they were really funny so we got them. Theeeen it was time for me! Haha. I got new sunglasses and a new earring. Yay.

Steph's party was fun! It's always great to reunite with people I don't see regularly anymore. Kristen, Steph of course, and (Backseat) Becky were there, as well as others. I was the only guy, which didn't surprise me. :]

Afterwards I got home and did some more bad things. Oh well, like I said, it is my cheat day! I'm glad I'm not having those obsessive feelings of hatred against myself that some people get when they "fall off the train" on a diet. At least I know I'm not obsessive about it.

Now I'm bored. What a surprise! I think I'll be lazy and read some more of The Golden Compass. I've only read like two chapters and already it's much more interesting than Eragon was. I felt really disconnected from the characters in Eragon even though I'd normally be attracted by the story itself, whereas I really feel like I see and understand the characters in The Golden Compass. I'm so glad I finally have time to read for fun.

Beach Day!

So yesterday was a beach day and it was very fun, I must say. It started out pretty normal. I went to Mesa Verde and started high intensity interval training that I've heard so much about. Supposedly it compacts a long cardio workout into a shorter amount of time. It was more engaging, I must say that. So you warm up for five minutes, sprint as fast as you can for one, then slow it down for four minutes. Repeat, then cool down. I liked it, actually. My timing wasn't that great though since the sun already burned off the marine layer by the time I finished my warm up and it was on the hot side.

I got home, took a shower, then had to vacuum cobwebs in the garage since my mom said my dad said I would have to do it the next day (today). As far as chores go, this one was pretty random, but it was also kind of fun. I hate my garage because it's a mess of clutter and useless crap that my parents have accumulated over the years, but seeing the spiderwebs disappear was at least more interesting than cleaning a bathroom or something. That being done, I started getting ready for the beach.

I haven't gone surfing in like two years, and the difficulty of getting my 8'6" longboard onto my mom's CRV reminded me why. I have to take off the stupid rack things, put on different rack things, put on the surfboard, and yeah. It sounds simple, but it takes a while and and it's not fun doing it in the midday sun. I wish I had either a smaller board (since I'm like 30 lbs lighter than when I bought that board) or a truck so I wouldn't have to deal with that mess. Anyways, Jenny and Heather came along when they were supposed to, and after coordinating with Kevin, we picked him up on the way to the beach. I finally met his mom for the first time, and she totally was not the lady I thought was his mom that I saw at a Wind I concert.

So during the drive on the 56, I look in my rearview mirror and my leash is dangling from the end of my board. I wrapped that shiz but it still came undone. I didn't think it was touching the ground, but after I parked I found out that it was. A couple of guys were telling me on the road that it was dangling, which was a little embarassing, but whatever. Oh yeah, we listened to I Kissed a Girl on the radio during the drive, and for the rest of the day, and today too, it's been stuck in my head. I kissed a girl, and I liked it... even though I wouldn't like it, and you all should know why. :p

The beach excursion itself was fun! We picked a nice big empty spot in front of Tower 6. The surf didn't look too bad to me when we first got there, and there were a few surfers in the water. I went in and it just got progressively worse. Good thing I have a longboard, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to catch anything. I caught two waves. I pearled on the first, which isn't surprising since I haven't been surfing for 2 years. I caught the second and rode it in pretty well, which surprised me. Then I called it quits because the surf was just terrible. It felt good to paddle out past the break though. More and more people came, and we had a nice-sized group. We went swimming even though we were in the surf zone. Apparently it didn't matter since all of the surfers left. There was a whole lot of seaweed in the water, ew. It got tangled around my legs more than once.

The rest of the day consisted of talking, lounging about, and just being. It felt good to be in the presence of good people, having a good time, not worrying about anything. The fact that I no longer, nor will I ever, see these people again on a daily basis makes each get-together much more special. When it started to get cold, we all decided to go chill at Jeff's. I dropped off my riders, put away the surfboard, showered, and followed along. It was mostly Rock Band again, which I'm not too interested in. I know maybe three of the songs on the whole list and I'm not into rock music that much anyways, so that's probably why. If they had like Alternative Rock Band I would be all over that! Even Pop Rock Band. I stayed there until about 9 then got home... I was so tired, but it was a good kind of tired.

Today was the complete opposite. I went to the gym and put in 45 minutes of cardio while listening to new stuff, like I Kissed a Girl haha. I saw Ms. Stewart at the gym, which didn't surprise me since she's a health nut. I just didn't know she lived close by. After that I was just lazy all day and did nothing out of the ordinary, and here I am. Bored again. But tomorrow will be fun! Mall in the morning to go shopping for a present (and maybe new shades?) and then party in the afternoon! I'm excited! :]

Pwnage

What used to be my darkest fear is now the light that illuminates my future. Pwned.

Signs of Success

I just remembered today how I heard/read somewhere that the most successful people keep a diary or journal about what they see everyday and how they feel, so that's a motivator to keep this blog going although I'm probably the only person who reads it. Oh wells.

My last Band Banquet was yesterday! It was so bittersweet. Taking pictures during the reception was really fun. I'm getting better with my aim when taking pictures of myself and others, except for that one or two. I looked over all of my pictures like three times today. I just can't stop looking at them because everytime I do, my mind just floods with memories of the wonderful people in the picture. If I had the money and patience, I would print them all out on photo paper and put them in an album. Maybe I'll invest in a digital photo frame later instead... this is the 21st century after all.

So anyways after the reception, dinner was... interesting. We had a stowaway under our table who didn't pay his assessment. That was just strange. I played a drinking game with Jenny and Jeff, haha. It was fun. The awards dragged a little bit, but I wasn't bored or anything. The senior recognition slideshow was really entertaining! I love how mine turned out. Mission accomplished, I got Andrea bawling! I know it sounds mean, but it shows how much she cares. She, Jenny, and Heather know how much I care for them. I mean, I freakin sang falsetto on camera for them! I enjoyed it, though. Also, I made the Scarlet Rank! Yay for that. Presenting the Sundevil Spirit Award to Jay was fun too. I spent a lot of time on that framed award. I thought it really sucked how all of the award items get passed along and the recipients must eventually relinquish them all as well, so I hope I started a new tradition by allowing the recipients to keep something to remember the year they received the award. Elisia and I didn't have any words planned or anything so I just penned them really quick before we were called up to present.

Hmmm what else happened before the dance? Oh yeah, the leadership announcements. Some things went the way I wanted them to, others didn't. I'm glad no new flute section leaders were added, partly because I personally don't like the idea of somebody replacing me in the quartet and partly because I don't think it would have worked out anyways. For other sections, all I can say is good luck... I think a couple of mistakes were made. But then again, everything happens for a reason, we just have to wait and see. One thing wasn't a mistake for sure though, and that's Monica getting drum major! I was rooting for her all the way. She'll be an excellent drum major for the next two years, and I'm sure she'll be a great end to the Riturban legacy at Mt. Carmel. What a sad thought, the end of a line. I guess I'm the end, too. No more Pagadors! Well it's possible, but highly unlikely, since Pagador is a really uncommon last name.

Uhhhh what else? I only had two hours of sleep last night, actually this morning I should say, so my mind is kind of out of it. The dance was really dumb. That DJ was seriously the worst by far I have ever seen at any event. First he played a lot of swing music... that's inevitable since the juniors in APEL always have their dance of the decades before band banquet. But he played too much of it... then he moved on to old music which sucked for dancing when it first came out. I left after a while and literally waited an hour for him to start playing something good so I could go back in. Then he played more swing music. WTF. There was a little bit of drama going on during the dance, and I tried my best to be supportive of my friends. It all worked out, at least in the short term, however. I'm sure it'll resolve itself soon.

After alternating between dancing (during the rare occassion a good song came on) and chilling outside the ball room, the dance ended and we all left. Afterparty at Jeff's! That was fun. I dropped off some kids there then went home to take a shower because one of my pet peeves is feeling all gross and in need of a shower. Then I came back and hung out with people. We watched people playing Rock Band. I still don't really understand why people like that game and Guitar Hero so much. They don't really appeal to me. Later I jumped on the trampoline with Matt, Lara, and Taylor. Taylor came up with the freakiest story about some little Mexican ghost girl who was going to come up from under the trampoline and stab us up the ass. Then of course Matt had to freak us out various times hahaha. The rest of the time I was awake consisted of playing Apples to Apples and just talking. I think I fell asleep around 5? I can't remember specifically.

When we all got up again around... 8, I think, we just watched really freaky YouTube videos and talked some more. And now my tiredness is getting the best of me and I don't really feel like blogging about the rest haha. Whatevs, I'm a 2nd semester senior about to graduate. I'm allowed to be lazy and not finish things.

Band Banquet Blues... literally

So today was a giant mess of driving, shopping, more driving, and financial hardships. Well not really financial hardships, but problems having to do with accessing my money.

First off, after school I went to After Hours with Katrina to look for a blue vest... no luck, all I found were funky ones with a higher price tag. Alright, that settled it down to either blue or pink from Men's Wearhouse. Then we went to Michael's really quick because I needed some large paper to make myself extra space for Yearbook signings since the $3 extras they sell are so overpriced and bad quality anyways. And I got a frame for a special reason, one you'll all find out about during Band Banquet. So after I come home and the Mesa Verde traffic dies down, I head off to Men's Wearhouse. Right before the exit onto Mira Mesa Boulevarde, I realize that I left my 10% off coupon at home. Eff my life. Sooo I just go the store and have them hold the vest for me since I'll be coming back. I'm almost out of gas so I head to the base to get some. It's $4.22, ew. I paid with what I had left on one of my debit cards, which turned out to be almost a full tank anyways. Yay for that.

Then my brother calls and asks me to get something from the commissary. I go to the Marine Exchange first to look at shoes. I was looking for blue or white Converses... their idea of white is apparently creamy yellow. Not what I want, so I go to the commissary, get the goods, and head to the self-checkout. Apparently my PIN number on my other debit card doesn't work because I kept trying to buy something with the wrong PIN a couple of months ago and I have to reset it still. Strange how that works, since that same card still worked when I didn't have to enter my PIN. Well, I guess that makes sense, but whatever. Soooo I go to the Navy Federal Credit Union office on base and try to reset my PIN before I pay the $60 for the vest and more for the shoes once I find them. Turns out that they can't reset my PIN on the mini card I just got in the mail since my real one got glue all over it. Now I have to wait for them to send me a new big card, then I can reset it. That'll be after next week, so I'm pretty much screwed in the debit card area since my other card has like $5 in it.

Alright, time to head home and eat dinner. After I grab the Men's Wearhouse coupon, I go back to buy my vest. No problems there, and it turns out that the vest is 50% off like it said on the website, plus my additional 10% off from the coupon I got in my e-mail. Yay! I'm a happy guy. So I go to Shoe Pavilion in Carmel Mountain to try to find Converses again. No luck. They didn't have the right shade of blue in the men's section and they didn't have the right size in the women's section. I don't understand why they don't just put all of the Converses together since they're unisex anyways. On my way back to my car I decided to try at Ross, just for kicks. Of course there's nothing good there. The only thing close were these really weird blue Vans made out of some grassy material. Apparently Vans is going green? Good for them, but those shoes were fugly as hell. I looked around in the men's section just for fun too, and I actually found some good stuff among the ugly poor people stuff. I decided to buy a new outfit since I reached my first milestone by dropping 5 lbs (YESSS!) and according to the store's tags, I saved $50 off of retail price. I thoroughly checked the clothes to make sure they're not factory mistakes, just extra stock. Katrina, you'd be proud of my shopping skills!

Sooooo I get home to make sure everything fits well since the dressing rooms at Ross are gross and these are the first Small sized clothes I've bought since like... elementary school? Haha. They all fit fine (again, YESSSS!) and dandy, but when I tried on my vest, my mom noticed there's a stain on it. You can't really notice it up close, but from far away it's very clear. Great. So I call the Mira Mesa store and ask where the other nearest location is that carries the same color and size since I know that was their last one. The nearest one with a Medium is Clairemont, but the nearest one with a Small is in El Cajon. My turquoise vest from last year's banquet is pretty loose on me now, so I want to go with a small. That means going to El Cajon. Luckily, and finally I get to use that word, my brother will be in the El Cajon area tomorrow so I'll have him exchange it for me. I called up the place and had them hold it for me. Well that was a lot of work for 3 items of clothing, but it's worth it I'm sure. I'll go to great lengths to look my best, within reason of course.

:]

After I shower maybe I'll talk about prom? Maybe.

Sounds good, right? On my way out Corey calls out to me and I see he's there with Jeff and Kim. It was cool running into them since I just saw them at the band room last after school.

Old times

Today was really reassuring. It showed me that even though I don't see my old friends as often as I would like to, when we do get back together it's like we picked up where we left off. Hanging out with Kristen, Becky, and Steph was really fun today. Yogurt World and helping victimes in Asia, what a great combo! Today made me feel better about myself too. On the way to Jernea's house to film our Filipino project, I saw a pizza delivery guy on the side of the road on his cell. At first I just passed him by, but then I decided to turn around and ask him if he was alright. He didn't need help, but I'm glad I offered my help. I forced myself to get over my shyness, yay!

Good times

I'm glad to say that I'm not wasting the precious time I have left in high school. Today was awesome, albeit cold. Started off slow, did nothing as usual in APEL. I didn't even bother to check out the book we went to get from the library since I didn't have my i.d. card on me, plus I'll just sparknote it anyways so it seems like I'm reading. AP Gov was interesting as always, even though we just watched and imax movie that had nothing to do with government or politics. That class makes me seriously consider looking into political science as a minor for college. Hmm. That would look unique, having psychobiology for my major and poli sci for my minor. It would work for me though, since I'm a very unique person.

Then what? Oh AP Physics final... or last half of what was supposed to remain. I didn't think it was too hard, but that may be a sign that I did something wrong and that it only seemed easy because I oversimplified it. Oh well. Band was eh. Sight reading is fun, but those songs weren't that interesting. Just funky marches. Then Filipino was relaxing as usual, just took a quiz (that I studied for five minutes prior haha) and random easy stuff. Uhhh... 6th off I just went home, rested a bit, then came back to school. It was still raining but Matt and Kevin still wanted to go to Yogurt World and so did I, so off we went. I used to make fun of them for getting the white flavors and they'd do the same to me for getting the Asian flavors, but we kind of switched today haha. Peanut butter with red beans and Texas cheesecake with mochi balls mmm. So I guess my cup was Wasian? Haha. Then we went to Chipotle and got our free burritos for being MC students. Pretty sweet. They must be in need of more business if they're willing to give out free burritos to high school kids. Or maybe they're trying to get us to make their restaurant a new high school hangout for the summer. Whatever, I'm not necessarily going back. It was an alright burrito, but nothing spectacular anyways. So then we went to Matt's gigantic house that screams "I come from a rich white Protestant home" and played Brawl. I PWNED MATT NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE. My life is complete! I had never been able to do that before. Granted, it was during a free-for-all. If it had been 1-on-1, he would've killed me easily. Actually one of the games I played was pretty much 1-on-1 since the two Kevins died really early.

Then I dropped off Kevin at his house, and I found out that the house my mom was looking into buying a couple of years ago was actually Matt's old house. Small world, huh? Ironically, my mom decided not to buy it because it was near a water main or something like that, and today it happened that a water thingie nearby was gushing water everywhere. Hmmm. Then we found out that Matt forgot to take out his baritone and backpack from my car so I had to drive all the way back to Poway to drop it off for him. He's lucky I'm such a nice guy!

And now I'm really cold. Time for a really hot shower.

Last Concert

My last orchestra and Wind I concert was last night. I thought I would get emotional, especially during E.T., but I didn't haha. Probably because we had a pretty... interesting concert in general. Whatevs. It was strange to begin with, since it was on a Wednesday and Wind II is in San Francisco still. So... There was nobody up top and the ground level wasn't even that full. Oh well. Even though I didn't practice the music at all (teehee), I think I did a pretty good job. And today I got a compliment from Torns. YESSSS. My life is complete. I can walk out of the band program knowing that my last note was a good one.

The concert made me think about whether or not I want to continue playing flute at UCLA. They have a pretty good program I'm sure, but I don't know if I want to dedicate my time to it anymore. Playing my instrument isn't necessarily fun for me, and I don't like practicing. At all. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. I stayed in band as long as I did because marching was really fun and the whole program shaped me into a much more confident and outgoing person. I will always be thankful for that, and for all of the friends I've made. Sooooo many of my friends are in band. At the same time, it's not my life. Well it's not anymore, at least haha. I'm not sure the symphonic band at UCLA will be very social. I mean, even Wind I alone isn't social. I met most of my friends through marching season, and since I'm sure I'm done marching... I don't know. I know I'll probably be super jealous of all of my non-senior friends by the time their marching season rolls around this year. Ugh. Oh well, as the saying goes, don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened.

I can't wait for band banquet. It didn't really mean anything more to me than just a big party at the end of the year for the past three years, but this one is going to be different. It really is a sending off and a conclusion to the single program that has been so important to me for the past four years. Maybe this is why it's so hard for people to quit smoking/drinking/drugs. The thought of not being involved with music, after so many years of doing it, is kind of scary. That being said, I'm not going to miss the music part, really. I enjoy listening to music more than performing it. I'm just scared of losing that common bond with all of my friends back home when I leave. But then again... in all honesty, I think it won't hurt so much since I'll be so immersed in the new world I'm going into. Aaahhhh here I go again, psyching myself out over going to college. I keep flip-flopping between being super excited and being nervous/anxious over leaving all of my friends here.

I started almost from scratch making friends going from Mesa Verde to Mt. Carmel since most of the Mesa Verde kids went to Westview, and the results have been spectacular. Who's to say it won't be even better at UCLA? Well I wouldn't say better, but at least the same kind of situation. I just need to find a new niche. I've always been a bando, a label for which I will always have affection. So what will I be in college? A study nerd? No, scratch that. That's not going to happen. Haha.

Ok now I'm psyching myself out more. Aaahhh. I just thought about how all of my friends here will forget about me. It's inevitable... but how often do I think of my friends who have graduated? Sure, I still love them. But it's just not the same, not seeing them everyday as I did before. Even the ones who still live close, like on my block close, are hard to keep up with. I still talk to certain people online and stuff, and we get together when they come back, but that's so occassional. Seeing somebody for at least an hour a day and maybe a couple of hours every month... what a change. And then I'll be replaced, as I've replaced them. Well not really replaced, because nobody can fill the place of a friend. But let's be realistic... people make new friends all of the time. And then they forget the ones who they don't see. It would be sad to try to change that. And kind of creepy too. When you leave high school, you're supposed to visit, but not too often, otherwise it looks like you're a creeper or somebody who can't let go. I'm so ready to let go of high school, but still not.

So I've basically said the same things I've been saying for months. Haha. I'll probably get emotional during band banquet, I can feel it. Can we just fast forward to that and graduation and summer and orientation and fall already?

On a brighter note,

Yesterday was awesome. Didn't start out that way, but it sure ended that way.

So in the morning I had to help my dad with random shit that's a waste of my life. No surprises there. I was supposed to meet Chris early at the beach to go surfing but my stupid rooftop rack straps snapped so that was a no go. I picked up Kevin and we just brought our boogie boards. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise because parking was horrendous at Moonlight Beach. We ended up parking (what Kevin called) a mile away, and as I got out of the car I just realized I parked right in front of a mortuary. Just my luck. Anyways, if I had to carry my monstrous 8'6" longboard all that distance I would have died.

So we got to the beach, found Chris, and went boogie boarding. The waves sucked. I caught one good one and that's pretty much it. More people came, yay. For some reason I can't remember the exact order of events, but it was pretty much just chillin at the beach and the water. The really fun stuff happened around sunset anyways...

So Taylor, Lara and I walk over to the volleyball courts where everybody is playing. There are a couple of little kids on the court which I thought was weird, and we just saw them kicking sand at Corey and other people. Alright... Somebody serves the volleyball, and BAM! Kevin spikes it right into one of the little brats' faces! And the other stupid girls are like "OMGGGG she has Down syndrome!" She did not. People with trisomy 21 have very distinctive facial features, none of which this girl showed. She was just plain retarded.

And of course, everybody's like oohhh snap. I'm pretty sure he didn't do it on purpose because he would need to have excellent aim and reflexes to be able to spike it into her face. She was alright, it just hit her on the temple/side of the head. So the other little girls are like "FUCK YOUUUUUU!!!!!!" and walk off. Everybody starts playing volleyball again. Then one of the little girls comes back and starts flipping us off some more and saying FU and whatnot. That's cute. Not. Then they leave, and come back, and I started filming since i had my camera on me haha. It's on YouTube, my username is pagadorq. Find it! It was some pretty stupid stuff. One little girl comes over and starts unbuttoning her vest and she's like "Wanna see a magic trick?" and we thought she was going to strip so we were pretty much all ready to barf. But no, she just flips the bird again and says fuck you some more. Alright. Then all the party people come over and basically surround the little girls who think they're so cool for flipping off high schoolers. We just talked to them, nothing violent. One claimed to be a freshman at LCC, but another one ratted her out. Haha stupid. Blah blah blah more stupid girls talking. Then we left because they got boring in addition to ugly.

It was prettttty funny. "Wanna see a magic trick?" will appear so many times during band banquet for sure...

Lara asked me for a ride home, so we headed back to my car. I thought I was going the right way, but apparently forgot to take a turn haha. After getting lost, I decided to ask an old guy jogging if he knew how to get onto Melrose. He said he'd walk us over. How nice of him! I bet Lara thought she was going to get raped, but he was in the viagra-dependent age group, so no worries there. We got home alright, and even before 11. Woo.

If I had the time, I would plan like 5 bonfires over the summer. They're so fun! I hope other people do it though. I have to enjoy my last summer in San Diego!

I dont think so

Now they want me to give up my summer? Yeah right. That's not happening. This is my last summer in San Diego and I'm going to spend it with my friends because i hate my family. Why couldn't I have a normal, not stupid family? Whatever. After September I'll be free to ignore them as I please. I can't wait.

Easier to be

Life is going well. I only have to worry about AP Physics (nothing new) and then I can stop caring, officially.

I love my friends. They constantly remind me that they're the kind of people I've wanted to know for so long. I can be myself, totally and completely, without being afraid. They've proven me wrong, they've prove me right, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Still super excited for Ucla. I can throw myself out there and get involved and just enjoy life. Even though my parents pay basically no attention to me, I still anticipate "throwing off the yoke". They never know what I'm up to, but there's always that small chance that they might hear about it somehow. I'm not saying I do anything bad, I just bend the truth once in a while to get away from them. I won't have to worry about that in college. Yay!

Uuuugghhh.

My dad is a fucking retard. He thinks he can take up all of my weekends to do stupid labor around the house to get it ready to sell by June. Yeah, that's going to happen. My weekends are for me, not for him to use me. I'll be sure to let him know how I feel when he feels my full resistance to anything he asks. He has the nerve to say he needs my two hands and smart brain between my ears. Oooh, that's a first. I'm smart to him. Only when he needs me to do shit for him.

I thought he really might have turned a new leaf as he said he would after Roxy died, but I see that's not happening. As I thought, it was too good to be true. I think I'm going to start buying Lotto tickets. If I win, I can buy my way out of this hellhole and out of his reach.

The Test

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I'll do it.

My heart will break, but my faith will remain intact, I know it.

Please pray for me. Please pray for her. Please pray for us.

An Early Start

Bad Justin. I've neglected this poor blog!

So a lot of new things have happened to me that I want to shaaaare with whoever is reading this. Which is probably nobody, but that's alright.

I turned over a new leaf, or at least completely turned over the leaf I was turning over but stopped halfway through? I got a became a member at 24 Hour Fitness and got a personal trainer. Her name is Devon Kidd. She's so funny! She's been a trainer for 25+ years, but she's new to the 24 here in PQ. When we were entering some info, I told her my area code is 92129. "Where's that?" she asked. "Uh, right here, actually!" She told me I looked athletic. I wonder if she was just buttering me up, but the gym already got my money, so maybe she was being genuine. But she also had a cold, so maybe the meds clouded her judgment haha.

I didn't really think about it, but working out at the gym is so much different than just running around the track at Mesa Verde by myself. I don't know anybody at the gym, not yet at least, but just knowing there's a lot of other people doing what I'm doing, or at leats similar, is comforting. I don't know why, but I always feel really safe when I'm with a lot of people, even if they're complete strangers. I like going on the elliptical machines and stationary bikes on the upper level because you can people watch while you exercise. It makes the time go so much faster!

I'm soooo excited for Ucla now! I went to College Honors Day this past Wednesday. Actually, my mom and I drove up on Tuesday because she wasn't sure how bad the traffic would be on Wednesday morning, and the event started at 8:45, so yeah. She didn't want to pay a lot of money for a hotel, so she got us a room in the Motel 6 in Hollywood, after saying that she didn't want to stay at the one near the airport. Turns out the one in Hollywood is ghetto as hell and the one by the airport was significantly nicer. Anyways, that was Tuesday night. Wednesday morning's drive through Westwood Village to Ucla was interesting. We drove by all the glitzy neighborhoods like Bel Air and Beverly Hills. All I could think about was the Weezer song's guitar solo. Wa wa wa wa wawa wa wa... wa wa wa waaa wa. We pretty much followed Sunset Boulevard for the longest time. It wasn't as glamorous as they portray it in the media. The Kodak Theater was really nice though! The area around it... not so much. The walkway with the stars on it wasn't that great either. We drove past an H&M and I wanted to go on the way back, but we didn't have time. Sorry Heather! I totally thought about it.

I didn't really learn anything new at College Honors Day. The same old stuff that's meant to convince people who haven't decided on a college yet that Ucla is the best. I already sent in my SIR so it was fairly pointless, but at least pleasant. I was there with Jessica and Kyle at least, so I wasn't alone and bored. Just bored. The food was really good, we got to eat in one of the cafeterias. I'm determined to have a freshman negative 15 than a freshman 15, so I made a mental note where the salad bar was haha. The campus tour after lunch was alright, stuff I already knew about. I just talked with Jessica and Kyle the whole time. The housing tour was at least informative. It reinforced my decision to choose the more social residence halls over the residential plazas, even though the halls are smaller. More opportunities to meet people, though! That's what I want most.

The drive home was not too exciting. We were supposed to meet my sister in Long Beach for dinner, but plans changed. We stopped by a Jack in the Box in some random place called El Segundo because we were starving. I told them no tomato on my chicken fajita pita. I bite into it, what do I taste? Tomato. They should call it El Suckgundo.

Hmmm and that was basically it for my Ucla adventure.

On Thursday I got my ears pierced at the mall. I went with Adrianne... she was freaking out more than I was though haha. It hurt much less than I thought it would. It was just like a pinch. Then we went to Katrina's house to hang out. I watched my first episode of The Office! I thought it was pretty funny, but I wasn't blown away or anything. I also played Rock Band for the first time with them. It was pretty fun, but I don't think I'd go crazy over it like a lot of other people do. I sucked at guitar. I sucked at drums. Singing wasn't too bad, but I only knew like two songs haha.

On Friday I touched pussies for 5 hours. Friends of Cats smelled. I only liked maybe 3 cats out of the 300 there. Enough said.

Saturday was the most epic cleaning I had ever done in my life. I went through everything in my room since my family's supposedly moving to Escondido or San Marcos in June. Ha! Yeah right. The most we'll get out of it is that we'll throw some of our junk away or donate it. My family's been thinking about moving for the past however many years. It's not going to happen. And if it does, then it will be to a house that's not as nice as it should be. But whatever, I'm moving out so it doesn't matter. But I seriously got rid of maybe half of the stuff in my room. I went through soooo much old schoolwork. I had stuff from 8th grade still. It took me all day to go through everything, rip my name off papers and recycle the rest of them, and whatnot. It was pretty fun actually. It was just me, my stuff, and iTunes.

Today I went to the gym again. I saw Ms. Talle working out and I totally wished I took AP Art History over AP Physics. Physics sucks balls. Then I got home and took a shower. When I was drying my hair, I forgot I had earrings and the towel caught the left one and it popped out. I freaked out at first because I thought I ripped it through my ear, but it wasn't anywhere near as serious as that. I tried to get it back in, but no luck. My mom got it through my ear backwards, but couldn't do it forwards haha. So I drove to North County Fair again, waited for somebody to open the thing, then got it re-pierced. I got a free earring out of it! Apparently the first one was semi-defective as the clutch wasn't as protected as it should be. Oh well. I'll just have to be more careful.

So here I am. I'm about to write my last paragraph or so for the gov community service thing. Then more Facebook! I'm meeting lots of new people from Ucla already. Kudos to whoever started the Ucla 2012 group. I feel more social already!

Rachel's Challenge

I accept it, so I'll be blogging more often. I already wrote down my goals, too.

I had a very disturbing thought the other day. I was thinking about asking some friends if they wanted to hang out, then I changed my mind. The reasoning behind it was that they're just temporary now, as I'll be having an (almost?) completely new circle of friends in a short while. Aaaahhhh. That's not right at all. I immediately dispelled that thought and went and hung out with them haha. That was the stupidest thought I've had in a very long time.

In happier news, OMG UCLA. I'm so excited! I've been researching things about it, like what life is like on campus, what events I'm supposed to go to, what things there are to do for fun... I'm really excited to see the beaches around the area. They look really nice! I'm not quite sure how far away they are from Ucla, but that's what public transportation is for, anyways. Too bad I can't bring my surfboard. Well, I guess I could, but it would end up being more trouble than it's worth. I've looked into the student organizations on campus, too. 600+? Geeeeeze. That's a lot of ways to meet new people! I'm going to be as social as possible when I get there. I don't know what it is, but I just like being around people. I love it. I can't stand being home alone. Even if they're strangers, I enjoy the company. Like the other day, I just went to Borders because I was bored and lonely. I didn't talk to any strangers or anything, but just being around other people and not isolated at home was very comforting.

That being said, I wonder if I'll miss San Diego? I've noticed that I really don't have separation issues and I deal with whatever "losses" come my way with relative ease. I know it may sound cold-hearted, but it really isn't. Like even though I don't see my sister very often, and it's actually been maybe 2 or 3 weeks since I've seen her last, I don't really mind it. I think it's the fact that I know I'll see her again soon that makes it alright. Likewise, I expect I'll carry that same attitude towards leaving San Diego. I don't know, I just adapt to new things easily I guess. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. At least I know I won't get all reminiscent and forlorn, at least not often. Life's about the here and now, anyways. Look back only when necessary.

I'm sooooo excited for all of the possibilities that the future holds for me. The near future, really. In 6 short months or so, I'll be starting the next chapter of my life. So much good can happen. There are so many things I can learn there, and I'm not just talking about academically. Aaahhh now I'm getting excited all over again! Ok well it's off to Yogurt World and then Brawlin afterwards for me...

Alone

After being with people nonstop for 5 days, I'm not used to being alone anymore. I hate it.

Indianapolis

So... Indianapolis has come and gone. While I was there, it seemed to stretch on forever. When I came home, it felt like I never left. I didn't expect it to be such a life changing experience, but it really has been, and not just for the nerdy bando reasons that it was created to be by Music For All and that really lame guest speaker.

It's so cheesy and cliche and I've said it a million times, but the trip made me realize how much precious little time I have left with my friends in high school. Sometimes I wish I was born a year later, not only so I could have another before college ,but because the majority of my really close friends are underclassmen and the thought of leaving them makes me panic. I want to beat myself up for taking 4 years to learn how to open up and just befriend people. I got really close with these guys on the trip who, I'm sorry to say, I previously wrote off as this or that in order to justify why I didn't need to be friends with them. How stupid that was! Another example how my oversimplification and judgment blinded me for so long. But not anymore... I have to focus on the positive. It's better to have loved and lost (soon enough anyways) than to never have loved at all, or at least that's what they say.

The trip also reminded me of who I am, how I've changed, and how band is the ultimate cause for that change. The years of being labeled as a fat, overachieving loser seem so far away, and I know it's because of band. It's funny how a common element, music, can just seem to melt away differences and bring totally different kinds of people together. I know I would not be the friendly person who enjoys life that I am now if it weren't for band. After being on the sidelines all of those years, I know now that that's not how I want to live my life, being ridiculed for who or what I am, or seeing the same thing happened to my friends. Which leads me to one of my favorite stories from the trip, which I told some of you I'd blog about since it's kind of long. Here goes...

So I was in PacSun (or Pacific Sunwear of Southern California as the posers in Indianapolis call it) with Matt, Kevin, Jeff, Andrea, Taylor, Lara, etc. Matt and I were standing in line to pay and these two girls, they looked about 20, got into line behind us. Matt left to go look at something else and when he came back I let him back in line. The two girls immediately started talking shit behind our backs, intentionally loud enough for us to hear. "OMG, those fucking faggots. Oops? Did I say faggot? Yeah, I did!" Stuff like that. "Don't you know that if you move out of line, you losing your fucking place?" You'd think girls their age wouldn't be so immature about such a trivial matter. After all, Matt was there in line before they were, and who established rule lines anways? I'll admit, leaving and coming back could be in the gray area for common courtesy, but I can honestly say that if it happened to me, it wouldn't upset me as much as it did the two girls.

Back to the story, they keep talking shit about us behind our backs. "OMG, if Clint were here, they'd be in trouble." Blah blah blah. So finally I got fed up of my friends and I getting trashed, so I turn around and say "Do you guys want to go ahead of us? Because instead of bitching about it behind our backs, you could have just told me if you had a problem." They stammered and looked at the ground and mumbled or whatever. If you're going to talk big, you should be able to back it up, right? "Oh, we weren't talking about you. We were saying it loud enough for him to hear..." they said. So I said, "I know you were talking about him, but if you have a problem you can just tell us. Just go ahead, ladies first." They went and paid then left. We paid then left.

I didn't do it to be a hero or anything, I just don't tolerate being treated that way anymore. I'm not going to lie though, all the props I got really made my day. People actually respected something I did? It's kind of a first for me. Which leads me to another realization: Acceptance is something I've always wanted in my life. I'm not saying I had been an outsider up until that point, because I was always accepted in band. But that incident and the recognition of it afterwards made me realize that yes, band gave me what I wanted, and I had failed to really notice it until then. Am I being too analytical? Maybe. My confrontation with those girls, though, truly was the boldest thing I had ever done. Usually I'd just sit down and take whatever crap people talk about me, because I'm a pretty nonconfrontational guy. Not anymore, I guess. Especially not when it comes to my friends.

Which, in this seeming stream of consciousness I have going on here, leads me to another point I have in my mind, a worry this time. Yes, the same one I've blogged about previously. Will I be able to find what I found in high school, but in college? Will it take me four years again to warm up to everybody and just be me? I'm determined to use my high school experience to avoid that. I know better now. I should be more confident in my social skills, but the doubt still bugs me. I'll never know until I try though. I have a feeling it will be much easier in college, though, since it's a fresh start in a new city where nobody will know me yet. But as I've said, I owe all of this self-improvement to band. Do I still need band to keep it going? That's another question to which I don't have the answer. Before Indianapolis, I was set on quitting band in college. Now, I'm not so sure. Band gave me so much. I like music and playing my instrument, but I don't necessarily love it. I don't want to spend the hours of rehearsal that I have for marching and Wind I. Maybe just concert band then? But the real getting to know people thing happens at marching band... But Robyn said nobody knows the girl on her floor who's in band. Maybe college marching band is taking it too far for me. We'll see, but for now I'm set on auditioning for concert band.

It's already March. As the days turn into weeks turn into months, the anxiety of leaving builds up. I'm not worried about leaving my family because as I've said before, I'm not that close with them and I'm ok with that. Besides, I'm guaranteed to see them on a regular basis no matter what. I'm not worried about leaving high school because the college atmosphere, at least where I applied, is supposedly much better. No, what I'm still worried about most is losing touch with my friends in San Diego. Now I realize that even the friends I have in my own class will lose touch with me, and probably it will be worse since it's not likely that I'll visit them where they will live. I will come back though, and make those exciting return visits. But still... you can never find two people who are exactly alike. The whole things of "Ew, you're friends with a junior/sophomore/freshman? You must be a loser!" holds no weight with me. Everybody's so different that there are the kinds of people you won't find in your year. It's as simple as that. Will I find people in college who will remind me of my friends back home? Do I want to find "replacements?" Nah, you can never replace a friend. I don't know... maybe it's just the uncertainty of it all that perturbs me. In the end I'll just have ot take what I have learned with me to college.

Speaking of college, it is March, and within 3-3.5 weeks, I'll know if I got accepted to my dream school of UCLA and my 2nd choice of UC Berkeley. Aaahh. I bought a really nice shirt (on sale) a while back to wear the day after I find out where I'm going. So if you see me wearing a new shirt and a really huge smile for no apparent reason one day, you'll know why.

:]